JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Public Disorder

A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court
to face a public disorder charge. When her name was
called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair,
checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked
into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she
pleaded.

"Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the blond and
said, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last
year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a
one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack -
-on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over
100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard...
and you were totally nude"?

The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the
prosecution council and calmly said.....
"What was the date again"?

=====

A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after
her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell
she's been all night.

"Mom, I think I am in love!"

"What do you mean, it was your first date with this guy!"

"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the
ass."

"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked
in the ass and then suck his dick.... that's love!"

 

[melody]

Skirts And Shoes

One day this woman who hated wearing underwear decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying and excellent view.

After the third pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream.”

Disgusted the woman ran out of the store and went home. When her husband got home she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman.

And when he flatly refused, she wanted to know why.

“Three reasons,” said her husband. “Number one: you shouldn’t have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have too many shoes to last you for years. And number three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don’t want to mess with in the first place.”

=====

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
While thinking of venus,
he pulled out his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo!

 

[melody]

Hard As A Rock

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his
utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for
the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do
you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"
=====

There once was a man from Cass,
who’s balls were made out of brass.
During stormy weather,
his balls clanged together,
and a lightning bolt shot from his ass.


There once was a man from Pompeii.
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
He stuck in his prick;
The clay turned to brick;
And wore his poor foreskin away.


There once was a young mouse named Keith
Who circumcised boys with his teeth
It wasn’t for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath

 

[melody]

Partying With The Boys

A married man left work early on a Friday.
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the
entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and berating,
his wife asked,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would suit me just fine" he replied.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit
and he could see her, just a little,
out of the corner of his left eye.

=====
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting
room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said,
"I have good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphilis."
The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news'
with a situation like that?"
The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

=====

Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex?
Because they were told not to talk to strangers

Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?
She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

 

[melody]

Ma And Pa Kettle

Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, 'I Believe, I Believe!' and you shall be healed."

Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, "I Believe, I Believe!"

Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.

Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, "Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal,' not raise the dead

=====

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.

 

[melody]

Miss Figpot

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

=====

There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
She replied, "Yes, I do,
But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."

=====

There was a Young Man of Thyme
Who Had three wives at a time
When asked why he did it
He said "One's an idiot
And bigamy, sir, is a crime'

 

[melody]

Little Johnny IS Wanking

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little
Johnny having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," Little Johnny replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young
fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather
thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said
Little Johnny.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then dress it in a blue
uniform and call it a cop!"

=====

A grandmother complained to her grandson, "The
young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as
they were when I was young."
He responded, "That's because they aren't trying to
fuck you now, Grandma."

 

[melody]

Doctor Notes....

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

[melody]

The Blonde Lottery

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

======

A Brunette a Blonde and a Red head are all in the third grade,
who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde,she's eighteen.
*
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.
The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"
*
Q. How do you know when a blonde's having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Little Suzy

Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

 

[melody]

Two Morticians

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

=====

A guy was fucking his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said, "I'm fucking my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never fucked a cop before!"

=====

There was a young man of L'Hore
Whose dick was one inch and no more
Which was all right for keyholes
And little girls' pee holes
But no good at all with a whore

 

[melody]

Royal Blood

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

=====

There was a young man named Macgruder,
Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
She thought it lewd,
To be woo'ed in the nude,
But Macgruder was shrewder and screwed her.

Her thighs were all covered with cream,
Her breasts with sweet honey a-gleam...
But too good to be true
This sex cordon bleu,
He awoke with two spurts from his dream.

They say that the way to mens hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there
But too much will give him the farts

 

[melody]

Little Jimmy

Little Jimmy walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Jimmy's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously 'What ya doin dad?'

His father quickly replied, 'I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'

To which Little Jimmy replied 'What ya gonna do, screw him?'

=====

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

=====

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.

The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

 

[melody]

"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true.
The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 

[melody]

In A Coma


A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.

Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.

"She choked."

=====

Why are men like linoleum?
Because if a woman lays him right she can walk all over him for the
next 30 years.


What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
Your wife will blow your bonus.

 

[melody]

Barbie Doll


A little girl is playing with two dolls and her mom comes into the room to see what she is doing.

The mother sees her daughter has a Barbie and a G.I. Joe doll.

"What are you doing with your brother's G.I. Joe, tootsie?" asks the mother.

"Where's your Ken doll? You know Barbie comes with Ken."

"No, mother," explains the little girl without looking up.

"Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

=====

Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.

"Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily.

"Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

=====

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
She just threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket

 

[melody]

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’

=====

A man was complaining to a friend,

“I had it all…

Money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman … then, poof! It was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked his friend.

“My wife found out ….”

=====

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, “they are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”
The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”

 

[melody]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named "Joe".
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup".
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." *You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
*You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
*Cocaine is a downer.
*You buy milk by the barrel.
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
*People get dizzy just watching you.

 

[melody]

Massive Erection

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on
arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare
the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with
the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off
it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled
the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and
saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE
surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get
pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants
you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but
soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally
climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was
astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his
eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were
dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me
that blood transfusion. "

=====

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back

 

[melody]

Hysterical

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city
===
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing
===
Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
===
My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4.
===
Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard
===
Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.

=====

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"