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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063532991" data-attributes="member: 14320">My Mother Taught Me…To Value A Job Well Done"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."Time Travel"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"Logic"Because I said so, that's why."Foresight"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."Irony"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."Osmosis"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."Stamina"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."Weather"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."Hypocrisy"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"Circle Of Life"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."Behavior Modification"Stop acting like your father!"Envy"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."Anticipation"Just wait until we get home."Receiving"You are going to get it when you get home!"Medical Science"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."How To Become An Adult"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."Genetics"You're just like your father."Wisdom"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."Justice"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"It's Time to go to SchoolOne early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"Top 15 Rejected Mother's Day Cards15. I love you when you're happy.I love you when you're sad.I love you though you told me,The milkman is my dad.14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.13. The cards in the storeWere just too full of sex,But I thought, "What the hell."Love, Oedipus Rex12. There once was a woman named Mother,Who always did favor my brother.But now that he's dead,Mother senses with dreadThat *her* nursing home's worse than the others.11. You stood up to my father's kin,their many threats of extortion.Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,instead of an abortion.10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,Is a question that you may find hard:If Dad went astray,If he left, as you say,Who's that buried in the back yard?9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.8. I know my Mom's a test tube.I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.No real Mom could be better,She'd just wind up a sweater,Adorning some debutante's boobs.7. When I was born, you became a mom,and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.But now, I need to come back home --I've got my *own* bun in the oven.6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,You've nearly won the war...Unlike all the other trampsDad picks up in the bar!5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,For some changes of which you'll learn.You always wanted a little girl --Well, you'll have one when I return.4. Your girlish figure disappears,With each bite that you chew.You now look worse in lingerie,Than dear old Uncle Lou.3. You've lovingly looked after meSince I was just a baby,So now I don't resent the factThat both my moms are ladies.2. I think of you, dear Mother,as I'm in my cell, alone,And miss the way you always madeour crack house a crack home.1. You probably won't even listen,You may still think, "How *could* he?"But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody</blockquote>

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