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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063572406" data-attributes="member: 14320"> Christmas ShoppingOne snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some lastminute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinkingvery fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold andwet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that Ifelt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that Iwould probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, Iretraced my steps to the mall entrance.As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I hearda quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressedboy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, andhad no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protecthim from the cold winter night's chill.Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinkingthat he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked himwhat was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from alarge family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had diedwhen he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family. Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas giftsfor her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his motheron the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presentsfor the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not evenentered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100bills and disappeared into the night."Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy."And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?'' I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy'scry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.Wedding NightThe nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.""Yes," replied the girl, "much better.""Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." Market ResearchA market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by ayoung woman with three small children running around her.He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when sheagreed he asked her if she knew his company Cheeseborough-Ponds.When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products wasVaseline, and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if sheused it, the answer was "yes". When asked how she used it, she said,"To assist sexual intercourse."The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that questionbecause everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it forthe child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most useit for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell meexactly how you use it?""Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."_____________An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physicalexamination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for yourage.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?""Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She wentout to the reception room and said:"Jake do we still have intercourse?"Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you athousand times... We have blue cross !!"_____________She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.________________When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice inthe paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were thepapers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complainedbitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know hedied of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity toremember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."</blockquote>

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