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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063717846" data-attributes="member: 14320">Soap And WaterA minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life."Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"Lesson For An Autopsy ClassA professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting."You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command."The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.Making CakesThere was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys' having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa". Women's Rules For BJ's(Archive Classic)1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is notstandard practice to come on someone's face.4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.5. My ears are not handles6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last Iheard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANTpuke on your dick?7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"- get itthrough your head- Im bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feelparticularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex rightnow.9. Extension to #8- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high schoolgirls-if youre that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with myMidol.10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tellme I've just "wrecked" it for you.11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediatelyafterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to berepeated in the future.12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate aboutthe origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we'regood at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about theprotein content.14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to eithersympathize or brag.16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to"kiss it good morning".@@@Q: Know where you can find sympathy?A: In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and'syphilis'.Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?A: So she could lip read.Q: Why did God create blondes?A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.</blockquote>

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