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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063731458" data-attributes="member: 14320">A New WatchJohnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticedthe brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing."Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked."Nope," Jimmy replied."Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.Some Points To Ponder:~*~ Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into myown pants.~*~ Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.~*~ I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said"Implants?"~*~ I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing upfast.~*~ Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."~*~ I have my own little world. But it's OK. they know me here.~*~ I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or amoaner.~*~ If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?~*~ I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them getelected.~*~ There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.~*~ I love being married. It's so great to find that one special personyou want to annoy for the rest of your life.~*~ I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.~*~ Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutivedays I've stayed alive.~*~ How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50for Miss America?~*~ Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeingsection in a swimming pool?~*~ Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?~*~ Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.~*~ Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!~*~ The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.~*~ I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"~*~ Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.~*~ The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.~*~ If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.~*~ Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.~*~ That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."~*~ No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.~*~ Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?~*~ How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.*~^~*~^~*Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a womanabout to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out avery large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth."Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked."Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied."Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no wayhe'll eat all of that!""Nope.""You didn't steal it did you?""No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the othernight when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get ridof me."Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealousof Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard theunmistakable noises of lovemaking.Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily,"What do you want now?""I wanna watch," Johnny replied."Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his fatherA school teacher asks her class, "What vegetable makes your eyeswater?"Little Johnny replies, "A turnip, miss.""No Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of anonion, aren't you?""No miss," says Little Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the ballswith a turnip?"Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first mansaid, "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died ofTuberculosis." The third man said, "I died of seenus." The first twomen asked, "Do you mean sinus?" The third man said, "No, I meanSEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"</blockquote>

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