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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063734259" data-attributes="member: 14320">Hypnotize The CongregationA local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount inthe collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to himthat perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregationinto giving more."And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked."It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner sothat the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach ina monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain andswing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest theyput 20 dollars in the collection plate."So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, andlo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now,the preacher did not want to take advantage of this techniqueeach and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a coupleof weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized,the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lecternwith a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere."Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.It took them a week to clean up the church.55555Allen was feeling particularly horny so he went to a whoreon the street and asked, "How much do you charge?"The whore said, "100 bucks for the evening."Allen said "Well, if I pay you 100 bucks, you will have to doit under my rules."The whore said, "That's fine."So Allen took her home and told her that they would close allthe blinds and do it in the pitch dark.The whore turned to him and said, "Honey, its your money, sowhatever you want is fine."They had sex, and Allen told her to wait 10 minutes beforethey were to do it again. Then 10 minutes later, they did itagain. After 6 times, he seemed to be getting stronger andstronger."Allen, you are the best lover I have ever had," she said.Then the man said, "Lady, my name is Jake, Allen is outsideselling your ass to all his friends for 50 bucks a pop."Southern BellesTwo Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me."The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me."The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me."The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!"The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?"The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school."The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?"The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a fuck,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'"=====A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes,mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know Iought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes,I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vilecreature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not tomarry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? Allright."He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room,"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"=====While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"The rest of the story is not pleasant.=====A disgusting young man named McGill,Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,Because of his habits,Involving white rabbits,And a bird with a flexible bill=====MISS WADEI love Miss WadeWho teaches third gradeAt P.S. 541.I'd gladly tradeMy frog for Miss Wade'Cause Miss Wade looks like much more fun.Miss Wade doesn't hop,Miss Wade doesn't croak,And flies you won't see her catch,But I'd rather swapMy frog for a pokeInto Miss Wade's lascivious snatch.</blockquote>

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