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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063809621" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"> Ten Ways To Treat A Penis</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,</p><p>"Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on</p><p>it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving</p><p>pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends</p><p>first.</p><p></p><p>2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you</p><p>make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and</p><p>suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a</p><p>sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing</p><p>techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle</p><p>first is not the winner.</p><p></p><p>3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or</p><p>back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move</p><p>too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's</p><p>crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY</p><p>Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a</p><p>little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a</p><p>basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ...</p><p>your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little</p><p>Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.</p><p></p><p>4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a</p><p>bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. </p><p>Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment</p><p>to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the</p><p>problem ...lubrication, the cure.</p><p></p><p>5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna</p><p>keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just</p><p>as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry</p><p>him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage</p><p>as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate.</p><p>You'll get years of use out of him that way.</p><p></p><p>6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or</p><p>stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no</p><p>response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time.</p><p>Good for you!</p><p></p><p>7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two</p><p>friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.</p><p>Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother</p><p>playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.</p><p></p><p>8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.</p><p></p><p>9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on</p><p>pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be</p><p>proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have</p><p>that effect on him.</p><p></p><p>10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not</p><p>that deep! What are you doing ...drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow</p><p>you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little</p><p>easier on me?"</p><p></p><p>And never never say "Is it in?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Blonde Moments</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."</p><p></p><p></p><p>There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the fli</p><p></p><p>Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."</p><p></p><p></p><p>There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two</p><p></p><p>ght and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"</p><p></p><p>A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?</p><p>There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.</p><p>There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"</p><p>A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirtfield. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"</p><p>Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !" </p><p></p><p></p><p>A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."</p><p></p><p>The cashier leaned over the counter and said:</p><p></p><p>"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"</p><p></p><p>What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?</p><p>- A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo...</p><p>- A blonde says any-cock-le-doo...</p><p></p><p>Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."</p><p></p><p></p><p>A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.</p><p></p><p>As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063809621, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"] Ten Ways To Treat A Penis[/COLOR][/B] 1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first. 2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner. 3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis. 4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ...lubrication, the cure. 5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way. 6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you! 7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July. 8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee. 9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him. 10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ...drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?" And never never say "Is it in?" [B][COLOR="Teal"]Blonde Moments[/COLOR][/B] Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...." There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the fli Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...." There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two ght and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day" A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where? There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home. There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?" A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirtfield. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!" Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !" A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said: "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg" What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde? - A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo... - A blonde says any-cock-le-doo... Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail." [/QUOTE]
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