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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063821083" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Parrot Sings Christmas Carols</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a</p><p>unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just</p><p>what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings</p><p>Christmas carols.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man</p><p>agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much</p><p>for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his</p><p>pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter</p><p>and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts</p><p>singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."</p><p></p><p>The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and</p><p>watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right</p><p>foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."</p><p></p><p>The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband</p><p>rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful</p><p>gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's</p><p>special talent.</p><p></p><p>Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the</p><p>bird sings "Silent Night."</p><p></p><p>He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a</p><p>round of "Jingle Bells."</p><p></p><p>The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her</p><p>husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.</p><p>Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and</p><p>the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Schizophrenia ---</p><p>Do You Hear What I Hear?</p><p></p><p>Multiple Personality Disorder ---</p><p>We Three Queens Disoriented Are</p><p></p><p>Amnesia ---</p><p>I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas</p><p></p><p>Narcissistic ---</p><p>Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me</p><p></p><p>Manic ---</p><p>Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores</p><p>and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire</p><p>Hydrants and</p><p></p><p>Paranoid ---</p><p>Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me</p><p></p><p>Borderline Personality Disorder ---</p><p>Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire</p><p></p><p>Personality Disorder ---</p><p>You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,</p><p>Maybe I'll tell You Why</p><p></p><p>Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---</p><p>Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,</p><p>Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,</p><p>Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells</p><p></p><p>Agoraphobia ---</p><p>I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House</p><p></p><p>Autistic ---</p><p>Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...</p><p></p><p>Senile Dementia ---</p><p>Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My</p><p>Slippers and Robe</p><p></p><p>Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---</p><p>I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House</p><p></p><p>Social Anxiety Disorder ---</p><p>Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate </p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">The Twelve Days of Christmas:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>DAY 1</p><p></p><p>Dearest Mike:</p><p>I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge</p><p>in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only</p><p>met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else.</p><p>Thank you again for the wonderful gift.</p><p>With all my love and devotion,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 2</p><p></p><p>Dearest Mike:</p><p>Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine.</p><p>Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much. The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you.</p><p>All my love,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 3</p><p></p><p>Dearest Darling Mike:</p><p>Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest.</p><p>I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great but I must insist, you've been too kind.</p><p>Love,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 4</p><p></p><p>Dear Mike:</p><p>You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really,</p><p>they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything but I'm running out of room for all these birds.</p><p>Love,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 5</p><p></p><p>Dearest Mike:</p><p>Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today.</p><p>One for</p><p>every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling. I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is beginning to get on my nerves.</p><p>All my love,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 6</p><p></p><p>Dear Mike:</p><p>When I opened the door there were actually 6</p><p>geese-a-laying</p><p>on my front steps. So you're back to the birds</p><p>again, huh? Those</p><p>geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the</p><p>other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not</p><p>getting any sleep</p><p>because of all the racket and my neighbors are</p><p>complaining.</p><p>Please Mike, no more birds.</p><p>Cordially,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 7</p><p></p><p>Mike:</p><p>What's with you and these fucking birds? 7</p><p>swans-a-swimming?</p><p>Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the</p><p>house, and they</p><p>never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!!</p><p>I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't</p><p>fun any more!!</p><p>So stop with the fucking birds!</p><p>Thank you.</p><p>From,</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 8</p><p></p><p>Okay Buster:</p><p>The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with</p><p>8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows.</p><p>There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it.</p><p>It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off</p><p>me and</p><p>leave me alone. Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 9</p><p></p><p>Hey! Shithead,</p><p>Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells</p><p>from hell!</p><p>They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The</p><p>cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My</p><p>neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God</p><p>Dammit Mike!</p><p>Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy</p><p></p><p>DAY 10</p><p></p><p>You rotten prick,</p><p>Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know</p><p>why I call</p><p>the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers</p><p>all night long.</p><p>Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My</p><p>living</p><p>room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of</p><p>Buildings has</p><p>subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be</p><p>condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your</p><p>forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you!</p><p>ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH</p><p></p><p>DAY 11</p><p></p><p>Listen fuck-for-brains,</p><p>What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies.</p><p>Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are</p><p>now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the</p><p>birds are</p><p>dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are</p><p>fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit!</p><p>Cindy</p><p></p><p>Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole</p><p>555 NW 1st Avenue</p><p>Miami, FL 33138</p><p></p><p>Dear Sir:</p><p>This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12</p><p>fiddlers fiddling</p><p>which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,</p><p>Ms. Cindy Clark.</p><p>The destruction, of course, was total. All</p><p>correspondence</p><p>should come to our attention. If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the</p><p>attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight.</p><p>With this letter, please find attached a warrant for</p><p>your arrest.</p><p>Cordially,</p><p>Badger, Bender and Cajole</p><p>A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063821083, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Parrot Sings Christmas Carols[/COLOR][/B] A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire! [B][COLOR="Teal"]Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged[/COLOR][/B] Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ... Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate [B][COLOR="Teal"]The Twelve Days of Christmas:[/COLOR][/B] DAY 1 Dearest Mike: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else. Thank you again for the wonderful gift. With all my love and devotion, Cindy DAY 2 Dearest Mike: Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine. Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much. The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you. All my love, Cindy DAY 3 Dearest Darling Mike: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Cindy DAY 4 Dear Mike: You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything but I'm running out of room for all these birds. Love, Cindy DAY 5 Dearest Mike: Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today. One for every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling. I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Cindy DAY 6 Dear Mike: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not getting any sleep because of all the racket and my neighbors are complaining. Please Mike, no more birds. Cordially, Cindy DAY 7 Mike: What's with you and these fucking birds? 7 swans-a-swimming? Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!! I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't fun any more!! So stop with the fucking birds! Thank you. From, Cindy DAY 8 Okay Buster: The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows. There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it. It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off me and leave me alone. Cindy DAY 9 Hey! Shithead, Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells from hell! They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God Dammit Mike! Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy DAY 10 You rotten prick, Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know why I call the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you! ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH DAY 11 Listen fuck-for-brains, What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit! Cindy Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole 555 NW 1st Avenue Miami, FL 33138 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Cindy Clark. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cajole A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe [/QUOTE]
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