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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063834850" data-attributes="member: 14320">Uncle Bruce...(The Agony Aunt With Balls)Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's magazine"Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony auntwith Balls"Dear Bruce;Q: I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I ambeginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there fortwo months.A: Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when theyare sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two monthswhich makes you one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers aregood when you do an Abo as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos too,helps avoid bush rash.Dear Bruce;Q: My girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an oldgirlfriend's vibrator on her.A: No worries. I've seen this before.Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned itsince you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.Dear Bruce;Q: I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants meto do her mate.A: Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate,as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.Dear Bruce;Q: After my last Hockey game I got an erection in theshowers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.A: Nah mateyou're queer. Only queers play hockey.Dear Bruce;Q: My wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we havesex.A: Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?Dear Bruce;Q: I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leathertrousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.A: Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical:You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.Dear Bruce;Q: My girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.A: Geezmate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the wordForeplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez guy,men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting withyour dick.Dear Bruce;Q: I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose. Whatdo I do ?A: Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever,ever admit to going with a kiwi.Dear Bruce;Q: The boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex.What is it ?A: There are two types. The first one when you wake up nextto a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather thanwake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is whenyou drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.New Years PoemT'was the month after Christmas, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasteAt the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirtAnd prepared once again to do battle with dirt.I said to myself, as I only can"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chipEvery last bit of food that I like must be banished'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to alland to all a good diet!</blockquote>