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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063864685" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>You never know, this might come in handy one day.</p><p></p><p>Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Best Friends</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There's these three guys, best friends since childhood...</p><p>One of them is ****** an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to</p><p>his buddies about the sex they have.</p><p>Then one day, for who knows what</p><p>reason, the guy decides that he's getting tired of the lovely lady, he</p><p>needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring he's gay.</p><p>"Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably going to get AIDS and die!"</p><p>Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some kind of</p><p>change, and wow, did I find it!"</p><p>Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed</p><p>contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left.</p><p>As he's</p><p>lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.</p><p>"Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last thing."</p><p>"Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?"</p><p>"When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest</p><p>tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will you make sure something's</p><p>written on it that everyone will remember me for?"</p><p>They promise him, and with one final gasp dies... But remembering</p><p>their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it</p><p>engraved:</p><p></p><p>Ashes To Ashes,</p><p>Dust To Dust,</p><p>If You'd Stuck To Pussy,</p><p>You'd Still Be With Us.</p><p></p><p>*Ideal Wife*</p><p>The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,</p><p>but not so beautiful that people think</p><p>you married her only for her beauty.</p><p>And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,</p><p>but not so wealthy that people think</p><p>you married her only for her money.</p><p>And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,</p><p>but not so gentle that she can't</p><p>suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A couple had been married for thirty years.</p><p>On their anniversary they decided to</p><p>go back to the same hotel where they</p><p>had spent their blissful wedding night.</p><p></p><p>The husband was lying on the bed when</p><p>the wife came out of the bathroom</p><p>totally nude, just as she had done</p><p>thirty years ago. Standing seductively</p><p>before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling,</p><p>what were you thinking thirty years ago</p><p>when I came out of the bathroom like this?"</p><p></p><p>"I took one look at you and thought I'd</p><p>like to fuck your brains out and</p><p>suck your boobs dry!"</p><p></p><p>"And what are you thinking now, baby?"</p><p>she asked huskily.</p><p></p><p>"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."</p><p></p><p>I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:</p><p></p><p>_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.</p><p>_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.</p><p>_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.</p><p>_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:</p><p>· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.</p><p>· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.</p><p>· __ You typed your own name at the end.</p><p>· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.</p><p>· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.</p><p>· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.</p><p>· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record.</p><p>· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.</p><p>· __ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer.</p><p>· __ Your mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.</p><p>· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think.</p><p>· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.</p><p>· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.</p><p>· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.</p><p></p><p>Please understand,__ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,</p><p>__ Respectfully,</p><p>__ Gleefully,</p><p>__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"</p><p>__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,</p><p>__ Good riddance,</p><p>[Name or alias]</p><p></p><p>P.S. I suggest that you refrain from using recycled pixels</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063864685, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:[/COLOR][/B] You never know, this might come in handy one day. Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), [B][COLOR="Teal"]Best Friends[/COLOR][/B] There's these three guys, best friends since childhood... One of them is ****** an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that he's getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring he's gay. "Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably going to get AIDS and die!" Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!" Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As he's lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time. "Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last thing." "Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?" "When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will you make sure something's written on it that everyone will remember me for?" They promise him, and with one final gasp dies... But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved: Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust, If You'd Stuck To Pussy, You'd Still Be With Us. *Ideal Wife* The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose. A couple had been married for thirty years. On their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. The husband was lying on the bed when the wife came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had done thirty years ago. Standing seductively before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking thirty years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to fuck your brains out and suck your boobs dry!" "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it." I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action: _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it. _____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings. _____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation. _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest: · __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man. · __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman. · __ You typed your own name at the end. · __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel. · __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me. · __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy. · __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police record. · __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges. · __ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer. · __ Your mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer. · __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer than you think. · ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating. · ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole. · ___ I am entering the witness protection program. Please understand,__ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney, __ Respectfully, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs, __ Good riddance, [Name or alias] P.S. I suggest that you refrain from using recycled pixels [/QUOTE]
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