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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063868706" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Complete Asshole</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole</p><p>Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status.</p><p>JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!</p><p>Effective as of this_____day of_________________2012</p><p>Per:____________________________</p><p>Authorized Signature</p><p></p><p></p><p>A lady and her husband have been arguing back</p><p>And forth for some time. She makes an appointment</p><p>To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband</p><p>Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,</p><p>But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't</p><p>Smell anything."</p><p></p><p>The doctor examines her, and then says,</p><p>"Ma'am, you need an operation."</p><p></p><p>She says, "On my pussy?"</p><p></p><p>He says, "No, on your NOSE!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">A SHORT LOVE STORY</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A man and a woman who had never met before, who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.</p><p></p><p>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.</p><p></p><p>At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."</p><p></p><p>"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."</p><p></p><p>"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.</p><p></p><p>"'Good", she replied "Get your own damn blanket."</p><p></p><p>After a moment of silence, he farted.</p><p></p><p>The End </p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Reasons For Leaving Jobs</span></strong></p><p></p><p>My first job was working in an orange juice factory,</p><p>but I got canned because I couldn't Concentrate.</p><p>Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,</p><p>but I just couldn't hack it,</p><p>so they gave me the axe.</p><p>After that I tried to be a tailor,</p><p>but I just wasn't suited for it.</p><p>Mainly because it was a so-so job.</p><p>Next I tried working in a muffler factory</p><p>but that was exhausting.</p><p>I wanted to be a barber,</p><p>but I just couldn't cut it.</p><p>Then I tried to be a chef,</p><p>figured it would add a little spice to my life</p><p>but I just didn't have the thyme.</p><p>Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,</p><p>but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.</p><p>My best job was being a musician,</p><p>but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.</p><p>I studied a long time to become a doctor,</p><p>but I didn't have any patients.</p><p>Next was a job in a shoe factory;</p><p>I tried but I just didn't fit in.</p><p>I became a professional fisherman,</p><p>but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.</p><p>Thought about becoming a witch,</p><p>so I tried that for a spell.</p><p>I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,</p><p>but the work was just too draining.</p><p>I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes</p><p>but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.</p><p>So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center),</p><p>but they said I wasn't fit for the job.</p><p>Next, I found being an electrician interesting,</p><p>but the work was shocking.</p><p>After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.</p><p>My last job was working at Starbucks,</p><p>but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.</p><p>You got any ideas?</p><p>I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">()()()()()</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.</p><p>Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"</p><p>Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063868706, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Complete Asshole[/COLOR][/B] Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status. JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!! Effective as of this_____day of_________________2012 Per:____________________________ Authorized Signature A lady and her husband have been arguing back And forth for some time. She makes an appointment To see her doctor and tells him, "My husband Has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, But I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't Smell anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "Ma'am, you need an operation." She says, "On my pussy?" He says, "No, on your NOSE!" [B][COLOR="Teal"]A SHORT LOVE STORY[/COLOR][/B] A man and a woman who had never met before, who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. "'Good", she replied "Get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. The End [B][COLOR="Teal"] Reasons For Leaving Jobs[/COLOR][/B] My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't Concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. You got any ideas? I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't. [B][COLOR="Red"]()()()()()[/COLOR][/B] Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..." [/QUOTE]
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