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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063869093" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Red">A Gorilla In Heat</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of</p><p>gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,</p><p>became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon</p><p>examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the</p><p>problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There was</p><p>no male of this species available. While reflecting on</p><p>their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an</p><p>employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.</p><p>Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to</p><p>satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the</p><p>zoo administrators thought they might have a</p><p>solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy</p><p>the female gorilla?</p><p></p><p>He was approached with a proposition: would he be</p><p>willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks?</p><p></p><p>Mike replied that he might be interested, but would</p><p>have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike</p><p>announced that he would accept their offer, but only</p><p>under three conditions:</p><p>"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her,"</p><p>and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring</p><p>that may result from this union."</p><p>The zoo administration quickly conceded to these</p><p>conditions,</p><p>but what could be the third?</p><p>"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week</p><p>to come up with the five hundred bucks."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">~~~~~</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:</p><p>My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,</p><p>bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able</p><p>to monitor my moods.</p><p>We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it</p><p>turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking</p><p>red dent on his forehead.</p><p>Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">A Trip To Rome</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.</p><p>She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?</p><p>Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.</p><p>So, how are you getting there?"</p><p>"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"</p><p>"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.</p><p>Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.</p><p>So, where are you staying in Rome?"</p><p>"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."</p><p>"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something</p><p>special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small,</p><p>the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"</p><p>"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."</p><p>"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him.</p><p>He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."</p><p>A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.</p><p>"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's</p><p>brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine</p><p>were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.</p><p>And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel,</p><p>the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave</p><p>us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"</p><p>"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."</p><p>"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the</p><p>shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step</p><p>into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the</p><p>Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."</p><p>"Oh really! What'd he say?"</p><p>He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">~~~~~</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?</p><p>A: Give the bitch a shovel.</p><p></p><p>Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?</p><p>A: He thought it was a delivery service.</p><p></p><p>Let's keep incest in the family.</p><p></p><p>Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.</p><p></p><p>Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?</p><p>A: She had three men giving her directions.</p><p></p><p>Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?</p><p>A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Just in case we don't understand one another.</p><p>1."I'm going fishing" -</p><p>Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"</p><p>2. "It's a guy thing" -</p><p>Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".</p><p>3. "Can I help with dinner?" -</p><p>Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"</p><p>4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -</p><p>Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.</p><p>5. "It would take too long to explain" -</p><p>Means.. "I have no idea how it works".</p><p>6. "We're going to be late" -</p><p>Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".</p><p>7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"</p><p>Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".</p><p>8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -</p><p>Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".</p><p>9. "That's interesting dear" -</p><p>Means.. "Are you still talking?"</p><p>10."It's a really good movie" -</p><p>Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".</p><p>11."That's women's work" -</p><p>Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".</p><p>12."You know how bad my memory is" -</p><p>Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."</p><p>13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -</p><p>Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".</p><p>14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -</p><p>Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".</p><p>15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -</p><p>Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".</p><p>16."I can't find it" -</p><p>Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".</p><p>17."What did I do this time?" -</p><p>Means.. "What did you catch me at?"</p><p>18."I heard you" -</p><p>Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."</p><p>19."You know I could never love anyone else" -</p><p>Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".</p><p>20."You look terrific" -</p><p>Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"</p><p>21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -</p><p>Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".</p><p>22."We share the housework" -</p><p>Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up".</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063869093, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Red"]A Gorilla In Heat[/COLOR][/B] A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla? He was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly conceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." [B][COLOR="Red"]~~~~~[/COLOR][/B] A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE: My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red dent on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. [B][COLOR="Teal"]A Trip To Rome[/COLOR][/B] A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh really! What'd he say?" He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?" [B][COLOR="Red"]~~~~~[/COLOR][/B] Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? A: Give the bitch a shovel. Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service. Let's keep incest in the family. Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man. Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? A: She had three men giving her directions. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs? A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens. [B][COLOR="Teal"]MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES[/COLOR][/B] Just in case we don't understand one another. 1."I'm going fishing" - Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety" 2. "It's a guy thing" - Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". 3. "Can I help with dinner?" - Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?" 4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" - Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response. 5. "It would take too long to explain" - Means.. "I have no idea how it works". 6. "We're going to be late" - Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac". 7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind" Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra". 8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" - Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner". 9. "That's interesting dear" - Means.. "Are you still talking?" 10."It's a really good movie" - Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women". 11."That's women's work" - Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless". 12."You know how bad my memory is" - Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary." 13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" - Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe". 14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" - Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt". 15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" - Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon". 16."I can't find it" - Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless". 17."What did I do this time?" - Means.. "What did you catch me at?" 18."I heard you" - Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 19."You know I could never love anyone else" - Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse". 20."You look terrific" - Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!" 21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" - Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again". 22."We share the housework" - Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up". [/QUOTE]
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