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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063873757" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p>Killer Biscuits</p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Only in America...</span></strong></p><p></p><p><em><span style="color: Teal">KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)</span></em></p><p></p><p>Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.</p><p></p><p>And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:</p><p>Cheese Sandwich 1.50</p><p>Chicken Sandwich 2.50</p><p>Hand Job 10.00</p><p>Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the bar beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?", "I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of fact, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum". The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building." </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">25 More Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>11. I think belching is really sexy.</p><p>12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.</p><p>13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?</p><p>14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.</p><p>15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.</p><p>16. I love a good cigar after sex.</p><p>17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.</p><p>18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.</p><p>19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.</p><p>20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.</p><p>21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.</p><p>22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.</p><p>23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!</p><p>24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.</p><p>25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.</p><p>26. I understand.</p><p>27. You don't swear enough.</p><p>28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.</p><p>29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.</p><p>30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.</p><p>31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.</p><p>32. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.</p><p>33. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.</p><p>34. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.</p><p>35. Oh yeah, any hole you want. </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">A Local Strip Club</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling</p><p>or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing</p><p>himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local</p><p>strip club.</p><p></p><p>The doorman at the club greets them and says,</p><p>"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"</p><p></p><p>His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.</p><p></p><p>"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."</p><p></p><p>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his</p><p>usual Budwieser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,</p><p>"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink</p><p>Budweiser."</p><p></p><p>"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.</p><p>We share lanes with them."</p><p></p><p>A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around</p><p>Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"</p><p></p><p>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the</p><p>club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she</p><p>can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming</p><p>at him.</p><p></p><p>The cabby turns his head and says,</p><p>"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*****</span></strong></p><p>What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?</p><p>Doughnuts.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*****</span></strong></p><p>A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F.</p><p>tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt</p><p>on Monday?" "Oh damn!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go</p><p>In Front'!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*****</span></strong></p><p>Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy,</p><p>Smoking an ounce of weed.</p><p>Along came a spider</p><p>Who sat down beside her</p><p>And sold her a pound of speed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063873757, member: 14320"] Killer Biscuits [B][COLOR="Teal"]Only in America...[/COLOR][/B] [I][COLOR="Teal"]KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)[/COLOR][/I] Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Lisa is a blonde. [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich 1.50 Chicken Sandwich 2.50 Hand Job 10.00 Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the bar beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?", "I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich." [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of fact, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum". The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building." [B][COLOR="Teal"]25 More Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:[/COLOR][/B] 11. I think belching is really sexy. 12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend. 13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight? 14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women. 15. I insist that you always put your mother before me. 16. I love a good cigar after sex. 17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat. 18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic. 19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench. 20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day. 21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back. 22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar. 23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night! 24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today. 25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day. 26. I understand. 27. You don't swear enough. 28. I love it when you finger me while you drive. 29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer. 30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside. 31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything. 32. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly. 33. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it. 34. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me. 35. Oh yeah, any hole you want. [B][COLOR="Teal"]A Local Strip Club[/COLOR][/B] Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budwieser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!" [B][COLOR="Red"]*****[/COLOR][/B] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. [B][COLOR="Red"]*****[/COLOR][/B] A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt on Monday?" "Oh damn!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front'!" [B][COLOR="Red"]*****[/COLOR][/B] Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy, Smoking an ounce of weed. Along came a spider Who sat down beside her And sold her a pound of speed. [/QUOTE]
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