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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063875667" data-attributes="member: 14320">Boyfriends Parents HouseA woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. Theyall sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginningto feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and thebroccoli casserole.The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no otherchoice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a daintylittle fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Beforeshe even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's fatherlooked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!"The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across herface. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the painagain.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder andlonger fart rip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!' A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't eventhink about it.She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"()()()A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."()()()I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"God: "So you would love her."Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"God: "So she would love you!"The WomanizerA notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him,until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.The morning after she caught him with another girl,he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow toridiculous proportions throughout the day.In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examinedthe man and ran tests on the strange tissue.By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to takean oddly familiar shape."What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?""We've run every test we know to confirm the findings,"he said gravely,"but they all tell us the same thing.The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis.""I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?""I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you.""I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!""There's more," said the Doctor."You're going to experience vision problems.""Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man."No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicleshanging in front of your eyes."Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?""I couldn't even get on the fucking bed Real LeprechaunA guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.""Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?""Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?""25," he says."Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?",,,,,:Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.Q: Why do men have assholes?A: So they won't be total pricks.Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?A: Who cares?Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?A: Because they just don't fucking listen!!Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas?A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou."Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?A: You are the wind beneath my wings.Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!" Seedy, Seedy, Seedy!!This seedy looking girl walked into a seedy looking bar. Acouple of seedy looking customers stood at the other end."Gimme a Rheingold," she said.She took the glass of beer and swallowed it with one gulp. Then shefell to the floor in a dead faint."Come, give me a hand," the bartender called to the two seedylooking customers. The two men helped the bartender carry her into theback room and laid her on the bed. One of the seedy men glanced aroundand said, "Listen. Nobody'll know. How about we all give her a quickfuck?"They did just that. An hour or so later, she came to and said,"Where am I? What time is it? I've got to get home." And out she went.Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when thesame girl came in, walked up to the bartender and said, "Gimme aRheingold."She drank it down in one gulp and then fell to the floor in a deadfaint.The men carried her to the back room and the fucking performance wasrepeated, except that now there were seven, includingthe bartender.The next day when she came in, there were twenty-four men, allwaiting around."Gimme a Rheingold," she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fellto the floor in a dead faint, and was carried to the back room, where alltwenty-four men fucked her.When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gottenaround, and there were more than seventy seedy men in the bar, waitingeagerly with lustful eyes and eager cocks. As she walked up to the baron this fourth day, the bartender pushed a glass of beer toward her."You want your Rheingold, Miss?" he said."No," she said. "You better give me a Schlitz. That Rheingoldmakes my pussy hurt." 99999Viagra For The OldThis elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed."Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head."How did it go?" the doctor asked."Terribly, doctor, terribly.""Did it not work?""Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.""Then what is the problem, ma'am?""Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."</blockquote>

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