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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063879173" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">The Fat Man</span></strong></p><p></p><p>After eating an enormous plate of Beans and downing 3</p><p>coffees the fat man left the restaurant. On his way home</p><p>he farted all the way. He eventually shits himself halfway</p><p>on his journey home.</p><p></p><p>He decides to hitch-hike and immediately someone pulls</p><p>over and gives him a ride. The driver was a talkative</p><p>chap and was questioning the fat guy what a guy does</p><p>for a good time in this small town. The Fat guy couldn't</p><p>get a word in, as the driver was going on and on. After a</p><p>while the driver couldn't take the smell and eventually</p><p>pulls over and starts throwing up on the side of the road.</p><p>The driver kept yelling back, "Jesus, I don't want to</p><p>know what you do for a good time if you smell like that".</p><p>Concerned, the fat man gets out of the car to try to help</p><p>the driver, only to make him more sick with his</p><p>progressive smell. The driver yells, "get the fuck away</p><p>from me you fat stinkin' bastard.. You smell like shit!!"</p><p>Insulted at this point the fat man whips out his cock</p><p>and pisses all over the driver who is on all fours still</p><p>yakking away. The driver yells at the fat man and says,</p><p>"what the hell did ya do that for?", to which the fat man</p><p>replied, "Urine for a good time."</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=========</span></strong></p><p>Here I sit in gassly vapor,</p><p>some dumb fuck used all the paper.</p><p>No longer will I sit and linger,</p><p>look out asshole here comes my finger</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=========</span></strong></p><p>A man received a phone call from a mortician in another</p><p>town. Seems his mother-in-law had passed away.</p><p>The mortician wanted instructions as to whether to prepare</p><p>her for burial or cremate the woman.</p><p>The man replied quickly, "You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">I Just Love Fishing</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.</p><p>One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.</p><p></p><p>"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."</p><p></p><p>"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"</p><p></p><p>"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"</p><p></p><p>A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."</p><p></p><p>"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."</p><p></p><p>The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."</p><p></p><p>"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."</p><p></p><p>Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."</p><p></p><p>"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?</p><p>A: Pick him up and suck his dick.</p><p></p><p>Q: What's grosser than gross?</p><p>A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.</p><p></p><p>Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick?</p><p>A: Justin.</p><p></p><p>Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?</p><p>A: By Farting</p><p></p><p>Q: How do you make paper dolls?</p><p>A: Fuck an old bag.</p><p></p><p>Q: What'd you call a woman masturbating?</p><p>A: A bushwacker.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot Chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."</p><p>He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"</p><p>The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."</p><p>He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.</p><p>The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">"What Would You Do If You Woke Up And Had A Penis?"</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Here are women's actual responses...</p><p></p><p>*I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it,</p><p>whatever</p><p>he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."</p><p></p><p>*I would write my name in the snow."</p><p></p><p>*I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where</p><p>is my raise?'"</p><p></p><p>*I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll</p><p>over and try something new."</p><p></p><p>*I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."</p><p></p><p>*I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."</p><p></p><p>*I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."</p><p></p><p>*I would measure it both ways."</p><p></p><p>*Pee off of a tall building."</p><p></p><p>*I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."</p><p></p><p>*I would treat women better with it."</p><p></p><p>*I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."</p><p></p><p>*Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit</p><p>the water and not pee all over everything."</p><p></p><p>*Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."</p><p></p><p>*I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."</p><p></p><p>*Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what</p><p>was the best."</p><p></p><p>*Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."</p><p></p><p>*See how many donuts I could carry with it."</p><p></p><p>*Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">******</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife</p><p>during a</p><p>recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an</p><p>orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" </p><p></p><p>Dogs Versus Women/Men</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.</p><p>2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.</p><p>3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.</p><p>4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.</p><p>5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.</p><p>6. A dog's parents never visit.</p><p>7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.</p><p>8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point</p><p>across.</p><p>9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or</p><p>desk.</p><p>10. Dogs seldom outlive you.</p><p>11. Dogs can't talk.</p><p>12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a</p><p>day.</p><p>13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.</p><p>14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.</p><p>15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.</p><p>16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you</p><p>get another dog?"</p><p>17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them</p><p>away.</p><p>18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you</p><p>a pervert.</p><p>19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.</p><p>20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just</p><p>think it's interesting.</p><p>21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.</p><p>22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.</p><p>23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.</p><p>24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.</p><p>25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.</p><p>And, last but not least:</p><p></p><p>26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063879173, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]The Fat Man[/COLOR][/B] After eating an enormous plate of Beans and downing 3 coffees the fat man left the restaurant. On his way home he farted all the way. He eventually shits himself halfway on his journey home. He decides to hitch-hike and immediately someone pulls over and gives him a ride. The driver was a talkative chap and was questioning the fat guy what a guy does for a good time in this small town. The Fat guy couldn't get a word in, as the driver was going on and on. After a while the driver couldn't take the smell and eventually pulls over and starts throwing up on the side of the road. The driver kept yelling back, "Jesus, I don't want to know what you do for a good time if you smell like that". Concerned, the fat man gets out of the car to try to help the driver, only to make him more sick with his progressive smell. The driver yells, "get the fuck away from me you fat stinkin' bastard.. You smell like shit!!" Insulted at this point the fat man whips out his cock and pisses all over the driver who is on all fours still yakking away. The driver yells at the fat man and says, "what the hell did ya do that for?", to which the fat man replied, "Urine for a good time." [B][COLOR="Red"]=========[/COLOR][/B] Here I sit in gassly vapor, some dumb fuck used all the paper. No longer will I sit and linger, look out asshole here comes my finger [B][COLOR="Red"]=========[/COLOR][/B] A man received a phone call from a mortician in another town. Seems his mother-in-law had passed away. The mortician wanted instructions as to whether to prepare her for burial or cremate the woman. The man replied quickly, "You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!" [B][COLOR="Teal"]I Just Love Fishing[/COLOR][/B] A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..." [B][COLOR="Red"]*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*[/COLOR][/B] Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck his dick. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out. Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick? A: Justin. Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms? A: By Farting Q: How do you make paper dolls? A: Fuck an old bag. Q: What'd you call a woman masturbating? A: A bushwacker. [B][COLOR="Red"]*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*[/COLOR][/B] A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot Chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." [B][COLOR="Teal"]"What Would You Do If You Woke Up And Had A Penis?"[/COLOR][/B] Here are women's actual responses... *I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it." *I would write my name in the snow." *I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'" *I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new." *I would want a big one and show it off to everyone." *I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed." *I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing." *I would measure it both ways." *Pee off of a tall building." *I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed." *I would treat women better with it." *I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day." *Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything." *Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it." *I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot." *Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best." *Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around." *See how many donuts I could carry with it." *Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!" [B][COLOR="Red"]******[/COLOR][/B] Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" Dogs Versus Women/Men [B][COLOR="Teal"]26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:[/COLOR][/B] 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 6. A dog's parents never visit. 7. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 10. Dogs seldom outlive you. 11. Dogs can't talk. 12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 15. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. 22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. 25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. And, last but not least: 26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff! [/QUOTE]
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