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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063880854" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Really Horny</span></strong></p><p></p><p>This guy is really horny, can't seem to control it even with a good</p><p>wank, so he finally gives in and goes to a brothel. Unfortunately,</p><p>he's just about flat broke, and only has a fiver.</p><p></p><p>The madam looks at him as if he was mad. "A fiver? You have got</p><p>to be kidding. Get out of here."</p><p></p><p>"Please, I've been wanking for weeks, and I need a woman. Isn't</p><p>there anything you can do?"</p><p></p><p>"Well, all right, give me the fiver and you can see Isabel in #13."</p><p></p><p>The guy thanks the madam and rushes up the stairs. He goes into</p><p>the room, closes the door and turns on the light, only to see the</p><p>oldest, ugliest woman he's ever laid eyes on.</p><p></p><p>He thinks, "Sheesh, didn't think I'd end up with a charter member</p><p>of the oldest profession, but hey - I'm too desperate to care."</p><p></p><p>He turns the light off so he doesn't have to look at her, disrobes</p><p>and climbs in bed. The old crone rasps "Put it in!", but he can't</p><p>because it's too dry and scratchy.</p><p></p><p>"Hold on a minute," she mutters. She sits on the side of the bed</p><p>and fiddles with her crotch for a minute. Then she turns back</p><p>and says, "OK, do it now!"</p><p></p><p>The guy climbs aboard and finds she is as warm and wet as any</p><p>young woman. "Wow," he says, "what did you do, use some sort</p><p>of special lubricant?"</p><p></p><p>"Naw," grins the old woman. "I just picked the scabs off and</p><p>let the pus run a bit."</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">+++</span></strong></p><p>There once was a girl from Shrilanka</p><p>Whose cunt was as big as a tanker</p><p>You could go for a swim</p><p>In the depths of her quim</p><p>And you needed a lamppost to wank her</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">+++</span></strong></p><p>Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've</p><p>got another dress for you to clean."</p><p></p><p>Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"</p><p></p><p>"No," says Monica. "Mustard."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.</p><p></p><p>2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.</p><p></p><p>3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?</p><p></p><p>4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Computer Illiterate Tech Support Calls</span></strong></p><p></p><p><em>(Shaking Head)</em></p><p><em>There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):</em></p><p></p><p>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"</p><p>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."</p><p>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"</p><p>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."</p><p>Operator: "Went away?"</p><p>Caller: "They disappeared."</p><p>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"</p><p>Caller: "Nothing."</p><p>Operator: "Nothing??"</p><p>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."</p><p>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"</p><p>Caller: "How do I tell?"</p><p>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"</p><p>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"</p><p>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"</p><p>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."</p><p>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"</p><p>Caller: "What's a monitor?"</p><p>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"</p><p>Caller: "I don't know."</p><p>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"</p><p>Caller: "Yes, I think so."</p><p>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.</p><p>Caller: "Yes, it is."</p><p>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"</p><p>Caller: "No."</p><p>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."</p><p>Caller: "Okay, here it is."</p><p>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."</p><p>Caller: "I can't reach."</p><p>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"</p><p>Caller: "No."</p><p>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"</p><p>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."</p><p>Operator: "Dark??"</p><p>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.</p><p>"Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."</p><p>Caller: "I can't."</p><p>Operator: "No? Why not??"</p><p>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."</p><p>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.</p><p>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"</p><p>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."</p><p>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."</p><p>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"</p><p>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."</p><p>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"</p><p>Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:</p><p>"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".</p><p>Customer: "OK".</p><p>Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".</p><p>Customer: "No".</p><p>Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"</p><p>Customer: "No".</p><p>Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".</p><p>Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"</p><p>Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".</p><p></p><p>5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.</p><p></p><p>6. Do I look like a fucking people person?</p><p></p><p>7. You! Off my planet!!</p><p></p><p>8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.</p><p></p><p>9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.</p><p></p><p>10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it</p><p></p><p>11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.</p><p></p><p>12. Allow me to introduce my selves.</p><p></p><p>13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.</p><p></p><p>14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.</p><p></p><p>15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?</p><p></p><p>16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.</p><p></p><p>17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?</p><p></p><p>18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?</p><p></p><p>19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.</p><p></p><p>20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.</p><p></p><p>21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2</p><p></p><p>22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!</p><p></p><p>23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"</p><p></p><p>24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.</p><p></p><p>25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.</p><p></p><p>26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.</p><p></p><p>27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep</p><p>inside the earth.</p><p></p><p>28. Earth is full. Go home.</p><p></p><p>29. Is it time for your medication or mine?</p><p></p><p>30. And which dwarf are you?</p><p></p><p>31. How do I set a laser printer to stun? </p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Marriage Contract For Women</span></strong></p><p></p><p>I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...</p><p>Section 1.</p><p>In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.</p><p>Section 1.01</p><p>And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.</p><p>Section 1.02</p><p>I will never ask for more *foreplay*.</p><p>Section 2.</p><p>I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.</p><p>` Section 3.</p><p>Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.</p><p>Section 3.01</p><p>I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.</p><p>Section 3.02</p><p>And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.</p><p>Section 4.</p><p>After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.</p><p>Section 4.01</p><p>I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.</p><p>Section 5.</p><p>In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.</p><p>Section 5.01</p><p>I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.</p><p>Section 5.02</p><p>I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.</p><p>Section 5.03</p><p>I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.</p><p>Section 5.04</p><p>I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...</p><p>Section 6.</p><p>After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".</p><p>Section 6.</p><p>I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.</p><p>Section 6.01</p><p>With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.</p><p>Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.</p><p>Signed ____________________________________ (female)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063880854, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Really Horny[/COLOR][/B] This guy is really horny, can't seem to control it even with a good wank, so he finally gives in and goes to a brothel. Unfortunately, he's just about flat broke, and only has a fiver. The madam looks at him as if he was mad. "A fiver? You have got to be kidding. Get out of here." "Please, I've been wanking for weeks, and I need a woman. Isn't there anything you can do?" "Well, all right, give me the fiver and you can see Isabel in #13." The guy thanks the madam and rushes up the stairs. He goes into the room, closes the door and turns on the light, only to see the oldest, ugliest woman he's ever laid eyes on. He thinks, "Sheesh, didn't think I'd end up with a charter member of the oldest profession, but hey - I'm too desperate to care." He turns the light off so he doesn't have to look at her, disrobes and climbs in bed. The old crone rasps "Put it in!", but he can't because it's too dry and scratchy. "Hold on a minute," she mutters. She sits on the side of the bed and fiddles with her crotch for a minute. Then she turns back and says, "OK, do it now!" The guy climbs aboard and finds she is as warm and wet as any young woman. "Wow," he says, "what did you do, use some sort of special lubricant?" "Naw," grins the old woman. "I just picked the scabs off and let the pus run a bit." [B][COLOR="Red"]+++[/COLOR][/B] There once was a girl from Shrilanka Whose cunt was as big as a tanker You could go for a swim In the depths of her quim And you needed a lamppost to wank her [B][COLOR="Red"]+++[/COLOR][/B] Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." [B][COLOR="Teal"]EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS[/COLOR][/B] 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine. 2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen. 3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now? 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Computer Illiterate Tech Support Calls[/COLOR][/B] [I](Shaking Head) There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):[/I] Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?". 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a fucking people person? 7. You! Off my planet!! 8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness. 10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it 11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 12. Allow me to introduce my selves. 13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you. 14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away? 18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2 22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU! 23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress," 24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you. 25. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now. 27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth. 28. Earth is full. Go home. 29. Is it time for your medication or mine? 30. And which dwarf are you? 31. How do I set a laser printer to stun? [B][COLOR="Teal"] Marriage Contract For Women[/COLOR][/B] I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that... Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*. Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. ` Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia. Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom. Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy. Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar. Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard... Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men". Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*. Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets. Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract. Signed ____________________________________ (female) [/QUOTE]
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