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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063881221" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">The Confessional</span></strong></p><p></p><p>An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following</p><p>conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a</p><p>wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,</p><p>and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college</p><p>girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with</p><p>each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are</p><p>both pregnant."</p><p></p><p>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Abe And Becky</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Abe and Becky Wassermann, an old couple, who</p><p>hadn't celebrated Halloween In a long time</p><p>decided to dress up and go out.</p><p></p><p>The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped</p><p>... naked and tied a lemon</p><p>Between her legs.</p><p></p><p>When she came out, the old man cried, "You</p><p>can't go out like that!"</p><p>She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."</p><p></p><p>Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came</p><p>out stark raving naked with</p><p>A potato tied to his tallywhacker.</p><p></p><p>The old woman says, you're going out like that?"</p><p>And he replies,</p><p>"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red"> </span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">**********</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and</p><p>daughter-in-law.</p><p></p><p>Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and</p><p>asked if he could have one.</p><p>His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one</p><p>they're very strong and expensive."</p><p></p><p>Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"</p><p></p><p>His son replied, "$10 each."</p><p></p><p>Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.</p><p>He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.</p><p></p><p>The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and</p><p>said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10.</p><p>There's $110 under my pillow!"</p><p>Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"</p><p></p><p>Man: "What sins? "</p><p></p><p>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"</p><p></p><p>Man: "I'm Jewish."</p><p></p><p>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"</p><p></p><p>Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">11111</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a</p><p>stiff</p><p>one - just had another fight with the little woman."</p><p></p><p>"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And, how did this one end?"</p><p></p><p>"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and</p><p>knees.</p><p></p><p>"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"</p><p></p><p>She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">11111</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily</p><p>tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed</p><p>and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary</p><p>up and says, " How was your date last night?"</p><p></p><p>"It was alright, I guess."</p><p></p><p>"It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are</p><p>still stuck to the ceiling."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">How To Impress A Woman</span></strong></p><p></p><p>As if I'd know.</p><p></p><p>Compliment her,</p><p>respect her,</p><p>honor her,</p><p>cuddle her,</p><p>kiss her,</p><p>caress her,</p><p>love her,</p><p>stroke her,</p><p>tease her,</p><p>comfort her,</p><p>protect her,</p><p>hug her,</p><p>hold her,</p><p>spend money on her,</p><p>wine and dine her,</p><p>buy things for her,</p><p>listen to her,</p><p>care for her,</p><p>stand by her,</p><p>support her,</p><p>hold her,</p><p>go to the ends of the Earth for her.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"></span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">How to Impress a Man</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Show up naked.</p><p>Bring food.</p><p></p><p>Well at least we're easier to please.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">_____________________________</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There was old guy named Lee,</p><p>Who was stung in the balls by a bee,</p><p>He made oodles of money,</p><p>By oozing pure honey,</p><p>Every time he attempted to pee.</p><p>Jack and Jill went up the hill,</p><p>So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.</p><p>Jack got a shock</p><p>And a mouthful of cock,</p><p>'Cause Jill's a fucking tranny!</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.</p><p>Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.</p><p>Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.</p><p>Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.</p><p>No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.</p><p>Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).</p><p>If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.</p><p>Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">___________</span></strong></p><p></p><p>One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.</p><p></p><p>He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.</p><p></p><p>"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.</p><p></p><p>The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job.</p><p></p><p>A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try."</p><p></p><p>"Poof!" said the genie.</p><p></p><p>"You're a housewife!"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">___________</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man?</p><p>He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.</p><p>Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?</p><p>Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!</p><p>What's twenty feet long and smells like urine?</p><p>A crowd of old people line dancing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063881221, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]The Confessional[/COLOR][/B] An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are both pregnant." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" [B][COLOR="Teal"]Abe And Becky[/COLOR][/B] Abe and Becky Wassermann, an old couple, who hadn't celebrated Halloween In a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped ... naked and tied a lemon Between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with A potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator [B][COLOR="Red"] **********[/COLOR][/B] Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?" His son replied, "$10 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!" Man: "What sins? " Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody." [B][COLOR="Red"]11111[/COLOR][/B] Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And, how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." [B][COLOR="Red"]11111[/COLOR][/B] Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling." [B][COLOR="Teal"]How To Impress A Woman[/COLOR][/B] As if I'd know. Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. [B][COLOR="Teal"] How to Impress a Man[/COLOR][/B] Show up naked. Bring food. Well at least we're easier to please. [B][COLOR="Red"]_____________________________[/COLOR][/B] There was old guy named Lee, Who was stung in the balls by a bee, He made oodles of money, By oozing pure honey, Every time he attempted to pee. Jack and Jill went up the hill, So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock And a mouthful of cock, 'Cause Jill's a fucking tranny! [B][COLOR="Teal"]Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler[/COLOR][/B] Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. [B][COLOR="Red"]___________[/COLOR][/B] One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at nor has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!" [B][COLOR="Red"]___________[/COLOR][/B] Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man? He's tan, he's cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face. Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band? Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks! What's twenty feet long and smells like urine? A crowd of old people line dancing. [/QUOTE]
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