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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063882215" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Unable To Perform</span></strong></p><p></p><p>After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to</p><p>perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few</p><p>things, but nothing works.</p><p>Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers</p><p>him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink</p><p>confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."</p><p>Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor</p><p>tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and</p><p>there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says</p><p>"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you</p><p>have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"</p><p>The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The</p><p>witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.</p><p>But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and</p><p>that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he</p><p>is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an</p><p>erection.</p><p>His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p>Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from</p><p>work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says</p><p>to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last</p><p>night?"</p><p>He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me.</p><p>Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=====</span></strong></p><p>A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The</p><p>shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the</p><p>guy, "I've got a cell phone!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">MYASS</span></strong></p><p></p><p>This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS).</p><p></p><p>Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.</p><p></p><p>Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.</p><p></p><p>There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.</p><p></p><p>As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">;;;;;;;</span></strong></p><p>There once was a young man named Bruno,</p><p>who said, "Firetrucking is one thing I do know.</p><p>"Sheep are just fine,</p><p>"And women devine,</p><p>"But, llamas are numero uno!"</p><p>There once was a male prostitute,</p><p>he got paid to play other guys flute,</p><p>when a guy paid in cash, he got it up the ass,</p><p>But with a check he only got blew</p><p>There once was girl named Sattie,</p><p>she liked to get a litle kinky,</p><p>she brought out her whip, and in one quick un-zip,</p><p>she was fucking a dog named Dottie </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Tale Of Freddy Law</span></strong></p><p></p><p>This is the tale of Freddy Law</p><p>whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.</p><p>By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well</p><p>for his private parts were mangled to hell.</p><p></p><p>They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,</p><p>but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.</p><p>What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,</p><p>to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.</p><p></p><p>But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,</p><p>some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".</p><p>A smart new electric one, made out of brass,</p><p>though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.</p><p></p><p>Now newly equipped and after a rest,</p><p>Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.</p><p>So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,</p><p>supplied her with drink and made her feel randy</p><p></p><p>She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,</p><p>as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.</p><p>"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".</p><p>"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."</p><p></p><p>They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,</p><p>he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.</p><p>They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,</p><p>then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.</p><p></p><p>Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,</p><p>as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.</p><p>With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,</p><p>and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.</p><p></p><p>So back for repair went Fred full of woe,</p><p>Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?</p><p>To return to his doctor at the end of each shag</p><p>with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?</p><p></p><p>But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,</p><p>for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.</p><p>So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,</p><p>he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">======</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to</p><p>see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes</p><p>suppositories twice a day.</p><p></p><p>When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is</p><p>concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom,</p><p>bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up</p><p>the target.</p><p></p><p>All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.</p><p></p><p>"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"> Cultural Differences Explained</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for</p><p>Americans when abroad.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who</p><p>belong to your club.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of</p><p>themselves.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively</p><p>patriotic to the point of blindness.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they</p><p>can be bothered to sing them.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to</p><p>perform the anthem.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American</p><p>channels.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there</p><p>watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball,</p><p>and basketball.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and</p><p>rugby.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey,</p><p>hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing</p><p>baseball.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms</p><p>in every sport they play them in.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".</p><p></p><p>Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it</p><p>"English".</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything</p><p>they say in an attempt to get laid.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on</p><p>an island.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live</p><p>on an island.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &</p><p>liquor in a backwards country.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &</p><p>liquor in a backwards country.</p><p></p><p>Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.</p><p>Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.</p><p>Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally</p><p>suspect.</p><p></p><p>Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally</p><p>suspect.</p><p></p><p>Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure</p><p>are inherited things.</p><p></p><p>Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several</p><p>beers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063882215, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Unable To Perform[/COLOR][/B] After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.... The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?" [B][COLOR="Red"]=====[/COLOR][/B] A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!" [B][COLOR="Teal"]MYASS[/COLOR][/B] This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.' [B][COLOR="Red"];;;;;;;[/COLOR][/B] There once was a young man named Bruno, who said, "Firetrucking is one thing I do know. "Sheep are just fine, "And women devine, "But, llamas are numero uno!" There once was a male prostitute, he got paid to play other guys flute, when a guy paid in cash, he got it up the ass, But with a check he only got blew There once was girl named Sattie, she liked to get a litle kinky, she brought out her whip, and in one quick un-zip, she was fucking a dog named Dottie [B][COLOR="Teal"]Tale Of Freddy Law[/COLOR][/B] This is the tale of Freddy Law whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door. By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well for his private parts were mangled to hell. They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew, but when they arrived, there's nought they could do. What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice, to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice. But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool, some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool". A smart new electric one, made out of brass, though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse. Now newly equipped and after a rest, Fred thought he would put the tool to the test. So finding a woman, the nearest one handy, supplied her with drink and made her feel randy She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies, as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise. "That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun". "Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun." They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast, he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast. They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more, then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor. Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke, as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke. With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air, and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair. So back for repair went Fred full of woe, Was this how his sex life was destined to go ? To return to his doctor at the end of each shag with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ? But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again, for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main. So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry, he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry [B][COLOR="Red"]======[/COLOR][/B] Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day. When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me." [B][COLOR="Teal"] Cultural Differences Explained[/COLOR][/B] Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English". Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. [/QUOTE]
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