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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063884614" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"</p><p></p><p>The doctor says, "What's your problem?"</p><p></p><p>The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,</p><p>give the missus a quick one, then go to work.</p><p></p><p>I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a</p><p>blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do</p><p>some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the</p><p>photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office</p><p>girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her</p><p>a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a</p><p>good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.</p><p>Then at night I give the missus another screw..."</p><p></p><p>"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"</p><p></p><p>The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">o0o0o0o0o0</span></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING</span></strong></p><p></p><p>10. He can open your blouse by himself.</p><p>9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.</p><p>8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.</p><p>7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.</p><p>6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.</p><p>5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.</p><p>4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.</p><p>3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.</p><p>2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.</p><p>1. Beard abrasions on areola.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">o0o0o0o0o0</span></strong></p><p>In days of old</p><p>when knights were bold</p><p>and no one was particular,</p><p>They lined them all against the wall</p><p>and fucked them perpendicular! </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Repairs</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife</p><p>interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's</p><p>been flickering for weeks now."</p><p></p><p>He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it</p><p>look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't</p><p>think so."</p><p></p><p>"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."</p><p></p><p>To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have</p><p>Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."</p><p></p><p>"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the</p><p>front door? They're about to break."</p><p></p><p>"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he</p><p>says.</p><p>"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I</p><p>don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"</p><p></p><p>So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.</p><p></p><p>He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides</p><p>to go home and help out.</p><p></p><p>As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.</p><p>As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he</p><p>goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.</p><p></p><p>"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"</p><p></p><p>She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.</p><p></p><p>Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.</p><p>He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either</p><p>give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."</p><p></p><p>He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"</p><p></p><p>She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my</p><p>forehead?</p><p></p><p></p><p>A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Cheating On Her</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so</p><p>she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he</p><p>was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked</p><p>onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex</p><p>with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.</p><p>It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,</p><p>so she filed for divorce.</p><p>While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to</p><p>which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."</p><p>The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.</p><p>He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and</p><p>Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started fuck-in."</p><p>With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language</p><p>in this court," and thru him out.</p><p>When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told</p><p>him to explain to him without using the bad language.</p><p>"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the</p><p>bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up</p><p>and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,</p><p>Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't fuck-in you can kick me</p><p>out!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">YYYYY</span></strong></p><p></p><p>On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,</p><p>"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'</p><p>A little voice from the back of the room asked,</p><p>'How the fuck will that help?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">YYYYY</span></strong></p><p></p><p>What's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds.</p><p>Yo mama's such a lazy ho, the only thing she won't do is the dishes.</p><p>The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg.</p><p>Yo mama's such a ho, when you step on her feet her legs pop open.</p><p>Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.</p><p>If Yo mama had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Tasteless Death Jokes</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room."</p><p>The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!"</p><p>"How about the $200 then!" the man says.</p><p>The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?"</p><p>Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand.</p><p>In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?"</p><p>"Never mind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">nnnnn</span></strong></p><p></p><p>The Top Ten Reasons Why Suicide Is Better Than Sex!</p><p>10) You can still commit suicide when you're drunk.</p><p>09) You don't have to worry about 'safe' suicide.</p><p>08) Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.</p><p>07) There is no limit to the number of techniques.</p><p>06) Nobody ever asks for a long term suicide commitment.</p><p>05) Who cares if you get a disease?</p><p>04) Doing it by yourself is just as good.</p><p>03) It's easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.</p><p>02) Nobody ever complains about 'bad' suicide.</p><p>01) You don't have to clean up the mess.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">nnnnn</span></strong></p><p></p><p>What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?</p><p>He reloaded and shot her again!</p><p>What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?</p><p>When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!</p><p>How does an artist draw an LA gang member?</p><p>Outlined in chalk!</p><p>How did the blonde die drinking milk?</p><p>The cow fell on her!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063884614, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"[/COLOR][/B] A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says, "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole, give the missus a quick one, then go to work. I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw..." "Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate." [B][COLOR="Red"]o0o0o0o0o0[/COLOR] [COLOR="Teal"]TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING[/COLOR][/B] 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos. 1. Beard abrasions on areola. [B][COLOR="Red"]o0o0o0o0o0[/COLOR][/B] In days of old when knights were bold and no one was particular, They lined them all against the wall and fucked them perpendicular! [B][COLOR="Teal"]Repairs[/COLOR][/B] A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky". [B][COLOR="Teal"]Cheating On Her[/COLOR][/B] Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he was cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and looked onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw. It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones, so she filed for divorce. While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door." The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw. He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started fuck-in." With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language in this court," and thru him out. When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told him to explain to him without using the bad language. "Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up and ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round, Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't fuck-in you can kick me out!" [B][COLOR="Red"]YYYYY[/COLOR][/B] On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.' A little voice from the back of the room asked, 'How the fuck will that help?" [B][COLOR="Red"]YYYYY[/COLOR][/B] What's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds. Yo mama's such a lazy ho, the only thing she won't do is the dishes. The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg. Yo mama's such a ho, when you step on her feet her legs pop open. Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. If Yo mama had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Tasteless Death Jokes[/COLOR][/B] A strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room." The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!" "How about the $200 then!" the man says. The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?" Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand. In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?" "Never mind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!" [B][COLOR="Red"]nnnnn[/COLOR][/B] The Top Ten Reasons Why Suicide Is Better Than Sex! 10) You can still commit suicide when you're drunk. 09) You don't have to worry about 'safe' suicide. 08) Nobody wakes you up to ask for more. 07) There is no limit to the number of techniques. 06) Nobody ever asks for a long term suicide commitment. 05) Who cares if you get a disease? 04) Doing it by yourself is just as good. 03) It's easier than finding a date on a Saturday night. 02) Nobody ever complains about 'bad' suicide. 01) You don't have to clean up the mess. [B][COLOR="Red"]nnnnn[/COLOR][/B] What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard? He reloaded and shot her again! What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma? When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head! How does an artist draw an LA gang member? Outlined in chalk! How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her! [/QUOTE]
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