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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063933473" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Performance Evaluations</span></strong></p><p></p><p><em>These are allegedly actual quotes taken from Federal Government</em></p><p><em>employee performance evaluations, some old and some new.</em></p><p></p><p>1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has</p><p>started to dig."</p><p></p><p>2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."</p><p></p><p>3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a</p><p>definite won't be."</p><p></p><p>4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat</p><p>in a trap."</p><p></p><p>5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."</p><p></p><p>6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."</p><p></p><p>7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to</p><p>achieve them."</p><p></p><p>8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."</p><p></p><p>9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."</p><p></p><p>10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all</p><p>together."</p><p></p><p>11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."</p><p></p><p>12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.</p><p></p><p>14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."</p><p></p><p>15. "He's been working with glue too much."</p><p></p><p>16. "He would argue with a signpost."</p><p></p><p>17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."</p><p></p><p>18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."</p><p></p><p>19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other</p><p>one."</p><p></p><p>20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."</p><p></p><p>21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."</p><p></p><p>22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."</p><p></p><p>23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't</p><p>coming."</p><p></p><p>24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out</p><p>looking for it."</p><p></p><p>25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."</p><p></p><p>26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."</p><p></p><p>27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."</p><p></p><p>28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."</p><p></p><p>29. "One neuron short of a synapse."</p><p></p><p>30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."</p><p></p><p>31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."</p><p></p><p>32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">A Poem For Us....</span></strong></p><p></p><p>I shave my legs,</p><p>I sit down to pee.</p><p>And I can justify</p><p>any shopping spree.</p><p></p><p>Don't go to a barber,</p><p>but a beauty salon.</p><p>I can get a massage</p><p>without a hard-on.</p><p></p><p>I can balance the checkbook,</p><p>I can pump my own gas.</p><p>Can talk to my friends,</p><p>about the size of my ass.</p><p></p><p>My beauty's a masterpiece,</p><p>and yes, it takes long.</p><p>At least I can admit,</p><p>to others when I'm wrong.</p><p></p><p>I don't drive in circles,</p><p>at any cost.</p><p>And I don't have a problem,</p><p>admitting I'm lost.</p><p></p><p>I never forget,</p><p>an important date.</p><p>You just gotta deal with it,</p><p>I'm usually late.</p><p></p><p>I don't watch movies,</p><p>with lots of gore.</p><p>Don't need instant replay,</p><p>to remember the score.</p><p></p><p>I won't lose my hair,</p><p>I don't get jock itch.</p><p>And just cause I'm assertive,</p><p>Don't call me a bitch.</p><p></p><p>Don't say to your friends,</p><p>Oh yeah, I can get her.</p><p>In your dreams, my dear,</p><p>I can do better!</p><p></p><p>Flowers are okay,</p><p>But jewelry's best.</p><p>Look at me you idiot...</p><p>Not at my chest????</p><p></p><p>I don't have a problem,</p><p>With Expressing my feelings.</p><p>I know when you're lying,</p><p>You look at the ceiling.</p><p></p><p>DON'T call me a GIRL ,</p><p>a BABE or a CHICK .</p><p></p><p>I am a WOMAN.</p><p></p><p>Get it, DICK?</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"</span></strong></p><p></p><p>In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs</p><p>called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks</p><p>on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what</p><p>can I do for you?"</p><p>"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"</p><p>Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."</p><p>"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."<span style="color: Silver"></span></p><p><span style="color: Silver"></span></p><p><span style="color: Silver"><span style="font-size: 9px">---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:58 AM ----------</span></span></p><p><span style="color: Silver"></span></p><p><span style="color: Silver"></span><strong><span style="color: Teal">Confucius Says...</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Confucius says:</p><p></p><p>'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'</p><p></p><p>'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who run in front of car get tired.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'</p><p></p><p>'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'</p><p></p><p>'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'</p><p></p><p>'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'</p><p></p><p>'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'</p><p></p><p>‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'</p><p></p><p>'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'</p><p></p><p>‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'</p><p></p><p>‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'</p><p></p><p>'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'</p><p></p><p>'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'</p><p></p><p>'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.'</p><p></p><p>'He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.'</p><p></p><p>'He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.'</p><p></p><p>'He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.'</p><p></p><p>'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.'</p><p></p><p>'He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.'</p><p></p><p>'He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.'</p><p></p><p>'He who stick head in oven get baked bean.'</p><p></p><p>'Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.'</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063933473, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Performance Evaluations[/COLOR][/B] [I]These are allegedly actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations, some old and some new.[/I] 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." 11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." [B][COLOR="Teal"]A Poem For Us....[/COLOR][/B] I shave my legs, I sit down to pee. And I can justify any shopping spree. Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon. I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas. Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass. My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles, at any cost. And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost. I never forget, an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies, with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay, to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch. Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her. In your dreams, my dear, I can do better! Flowers are okay, But jewelry's best. Look at me you idiot... Not at my chest???? I don't have a problem, With Expressing my feelings. I know when you're lying, You look at the ceiling. DON'T call me a GIRL , a BABE or a CHICK . I am a WOMAN. Get it, DICK? [B][COLOR="Red"]:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"[/COLOR][/B] In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do for you?" "Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park" Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs." "Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."[COLOR="Silver"] [SIZE=1]---------- Post added at 05:58 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:58 AM ----------[/SIZE] [/COLOR][B][COLOR="Teal"]Confucius Says...[/COLOR][/B] Confucius says: 'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.' 'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.' 'Man who run in front of car get tired.' 'Man who run behind car get exhausted.' 'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.' 'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.' 'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.' 'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.' 'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.' 'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.' 'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.' ‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.' 'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.' 'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.' 'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.' 'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.' ‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.' 'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.' ‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.' 'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.' 'Man with one chopstick go hungry.' 'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.' 'He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.' 'He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.' 'He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.' 'He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.' 'He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.' 'He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.' 'He who stick head in oven get baked bean.' 'Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.' [/QUOTE]
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