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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064029337" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Timmy And Tommy</span></strong></p><p></p><p>One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">*******</span></strong></p><p>Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed</p><p>his head off.</p><p></p><p>Q: What competitive disadvantage does a leper prostitute suffer?</p><p>A: She can only give head once.</p><p></p><p>Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses use tampax instead of sanitary napkins?</p><p>A: Because nothing gets to go in without a string attached.</p><p></p><p>Q: What do the Japanese call cunnilingus?</p><p>A: "Constluctive cliticism."</p><p></p><p>Q: Why can there never be any Mexican astronauts?</p><p>A: Because every time someone yells "Launch!" they go out and eat.</p><p></p><p>Q: How do you get a man to do sit ups?</p><p>A: Glue the TV remote between his ankles.</p><p></p><p>Q: How do you know when a man is a sadist?</p><p>A: When he fucks a woman all night with a four inch dick, and in the</p><p>morning kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue.</p><p></p><p>Q: What's the only bad thing about oral sex?</p><p>A: The view.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Etiquette For Men</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.</p><p>It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:</p><p>a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master</p><p>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse</p><p>c. After wrecking your boss' car</p><p>d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"</p><p>e. When his date is using her teeth</p><p></p><p>Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a</p><p>friend out of jail within 12 hours.</p><p></p><p>If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is</p><p>off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.</p><p></p><p>The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's</p><p>running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.</p><p>For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of</p><p>hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.</p><p>Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge</p><p>is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.</p><p></p><p>No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present</p><p>for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies</p><p>birthday is optional.</p><p></p><p>When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,</p><p>you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but</p><p>you may never ask who's playing.</p><p></p><p>It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when</p><p>you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by</p><p>a topless super model... and it's free.</p><p></p><p>Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.</p><p></p><p>If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.</p><p>You didn't see nothin'.</p><p></p><p>Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice</p><p>of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.</p><p></p><p>Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal</p><p>footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all</p><p>other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the</p><p>conversation you need.</p><p></p><p>The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just</p><p>a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact</p><p>that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do</p><p>it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A guy goes inside the confessional and says:</p><p>"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."</p><p></p><p>"What did you do, my son?"</p><p></p><p>"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night,</p><p>and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When</p><p>I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."</p><p></p><p>"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064029337, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Timmy And Tommy[/COLOR][/B] One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!" [B][COLOR="Red"]*******[/COLOR][/B] Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off. Q: What competitive disadvantage does a leper prostitute suffer? A: She can only give head once. Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses use tampax instead of sanitary napkins? A: Because nothing gets to go in without a string attached. Q: What do the Japanese call cunnilingus? A: "Constluctive cliticism." Q: Why can there never be any Mexican astronauts? A: Because every time someone yells "Launch!" they go out and eat. Q: How do you get a man to do sit ups? A: Glue the TV remote between his ankles. Q: How do you know when a man is a sadist? A: When he fucks a woman all night with a four inch dick, and in the morning kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue. Q: What's the only bad thing about oral sex? A: The view. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Etiquette For Men[/COLOR][/B] Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' car d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" e. When his date is using her teeth Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model... and it's free. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex." "Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight? [/QUOTE]
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