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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064044851" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Las Vegas Hooker</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas</p><p>hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually</p><p>asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"</p><p></p><p>The Hooker replies in sultry sexy voice, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."</p><p></p><p>The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!</p><p>No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"</p><p></p><p>The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"</p><p></p><p>"Yes." ... "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"</p><p></p><p>"Yes." ..... "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"</p><p></p><p>"Yes."...... "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,</p><p>"I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.."</p><p></p><p>So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."</p><p></p><p>They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the</p><p>bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,</p><p>worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,</p><p>"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"</p><p></p><p>The hooker replies, in her sexy, husky voice, "$1,500.00."</p><p></p><p>"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"</p><p></p><p>The hooker in her husky, sexy voice. " Step over here to the window,</p><p>big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?</p><p>I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job</p><p>that's worth every cent of $1,500."</p><p></p><p></p><p>The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to</p><p>put off the new car for another year or so and says,</p><p>"Sign me up."</p><p></p><p>Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.</p><p>He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.</p><p>He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and</p><p>unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,</p><p>"How much for some pussy?"</p><p></p><p>The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.</p><p>Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those</p><p>beautiful lights, gambling palaces?"</p><p></p><p>"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"</p><p></p><p>"No," the hooker replies in her deep husky sexy voice,</p><p>"but I would...............If I had a pussy!"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">-----------</span></strong></p><p>I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.</p><p>Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">-----------</span></strong></p><p>Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.</p><p>The doctor walks in and Michael asks:</p><p>"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"</p><p>The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Jokes for July</span></strong></p><p></p><p></p><p>July 1</p><p>Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!</p><p>July 2</p><p>My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!</p><p>July 3</p><p>I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!</p><p>July 4</p><p>I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!</p><p>July 5</p><p>Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.</p><p>July 6</p><p>Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!</p><p>July 7</p><p>I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother.</p><p>July 8</p><p>I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....</p><p>July 9</p><p>In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.</p><p>July 10</p><p>Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!</p><p>July 11</p><p>I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"</p><p>July 12</p><p>What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!</p><p>July 13</p><p>Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.</p><p>July 14</p><p>Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.</p><p>July 15</p><p>Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!</p><p>July 16</p><p>And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.</p><p>July 17</p><p>I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"</p><p>July 18</p><p>Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!</p><p>July 19</p><p>I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.</p><p>July 20</p><p>With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."</p><p>July 21</p><p>I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."</p><p>July 22</p><p>My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!</p><p>July 23</p><p>I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.</p><p>July 24</p><p>I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.</p><p>July 25</p><p>Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.</p><p>July 26</p><p>Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!</p><p>July 27</p><p>When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!</p><p>July 28</p><p>When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.</p><p>July 29</p><p>I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!</p><p>July 30</p><p>Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!</p><p>July 31</p><p>And I was an ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breast fed me through a straw.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064044851, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Las Vegas Hooker[/COLOR][/B] A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies in sultry sexy voice, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." ... "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." ..... "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes."...... "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.." So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, in her sexy, husky voice, "$1,500.00." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker in her husky, sexy voice. " Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies in her deep husky sexy voice, "but I would...............If I had a pussy!" [B][COLOR="Red"]-----------[/COLOR][/B] I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car. [B][COLOR="Red"]-----------[/COLOR][/B] Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." [B][COLOR="Teal"]Jokes for July[/COLOR][/B] July 1 Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another! July 2 My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me! July 3 I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it! July 4 I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me! July 5 Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. July 6 Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white! July 7 I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother. July 8 I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh.... July 9 In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. July 10 Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother! July 11 I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!" July 12 What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food! July 13 Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof. July 14 Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself. July 15 Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar! July 16 And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes. July 17 I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!" July 18 Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids! July 19 I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires. July 20 With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you." July 21 I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this." July 22 My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves! July 23 I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor. July 24 I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet. July 25 Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died. July 26 Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married! July 27 When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic! July 28 When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's. July 29 I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like! July 30 Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days! July 31 And I was an ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breast fed me through a straw. [/QUOTE]
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