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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064092756" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Nasty Limericks</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man from Kent,</p><p>whose cock was so long it bent,</p><p>to save himself trouble,</p><p>he put it in double,</p><p>and instead of cumming he went.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Dave,</p><p>who kept a dead whore in a cave,</p><p>she had only one tit,</p><p>and smelled worse than shit,</p><p>but think of the money Dave saved.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man from Kubot</p><p>who lived off of toe jam and snot,</p><p>when he had none of these,</p><p>he lived off the cheese,</p><p>from the tip of his grungy old cock.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Sweeny</p><p>Whose wife was a terrible meany</p><p>The hatch on her snatch</p><p>Had a catch that would latch</p><p>And she could only get fucked by Houdini.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a girl named Kate,</p><p>Whose pussy smelled like bait!</p><p>Whenever Jeff pounds her</p><p>The room reeks of flounder.</p><p>Her twat, she should refrigerate.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Odom</p><p>Whose balls were too big for his scrotum</p><p>Though it was relief that he sought</p><p>It all went for naught</p><p>Cause he didn't know how to unloadem</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There was a guy from Nantucket</p><p>He told his wife to suck it</p><p>When he didn't cum</p><p>She said he was dumb</p><p>And hit him upside the head with a bucket.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Matt</p><p>Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.</p><p>I'm willing to bet,</p><p>The only pussy he gets</p><p>Is when he goes home to his cat.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Vic</p><p>Who pleasured himself with a stick</p><p>He once got it stuck</p><p>And said "what the fuck?"</p><p>And now there's no room for a prick!</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There was a man from Nantucket</p><p>Whose cock was so long he could suck it</p><p>He said with a grin</p><p>As he wiped off his chin</p><p>If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There was a farting contest coming to town</p><p>and people came from miles around</p><p>the first fart was extremely loud</p><p>the second fart pleased the crowd</p><p>the third fart, the judges cried</p><p>"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»</span></strong></p><p></p><p>There once was a man named Bob,</p><p>Who loved to show off his knob,</p><p>He flashed it at Dave,</p><p>And rubbed it on Jay,</p><p>Who sucked it like corn on the cob!</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Mommy, Mommy....</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big!</p><p>Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here!</p><p>Shut up son or I'll flush it again.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?</p><p>Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.</p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?</p><p>Shut up son and deal.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?</p><p>Shut up son and pass me the crowbar.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!</p><p>Shut up son and get the barbecue sauce.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?</p><p>Shut up son or I'll chop off the other leg!</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?</p><p>Shut up son and get back in the barrel!</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! the kids next door are calling me a three headed dragon!</p><p>Shut up son and don't you worry. Three heads are always better than one.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China!</p><p>Shut up son and keep digging.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast?</p><p>Shut up son and reload.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14!</p><p>Shut up Stanley.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?</p><p>Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?</p><p>Shut up son and get back in the box!</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Jimmy is biting grandma's nail!</p><p>Stop it Jimmy, or I am closing the coffin lid.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! I don't want my hair braided!</p><p>Shut up son and lift the other arm.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet?</p><p>Shut up son or I'll flush you down.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?</p><p>Not today son, you've already dug her up three times this week.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!</p><p>Shut up son and lift the dart board higher!</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Why is everybody running away?</p><p>Shut up son and reload.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!</p><p>Shut up son and accelerate!</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise!</p><p>Shut up son and eat around it.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!</p><p>Shut up son and drink it before it clots.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! Daddy vomited!</p><p>Shut up son and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big pieces.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready?</p><p>Shut up son and keep pissing.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!</p><p>Shut up son and comb your face.</p><p></p><p>Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?</p><p>Shut up son and hump faster, you'll soon find out.</p><p></p><p>Mummy, Mummy!, Julie won't come skipping with me!</p><p>Don't be cruel son, you know it makes her stumps bleed.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Things That Only Happen In Movies</span></strong></p><p></p><p>* Any computer system can be hacked in 60 seconds.</p><p>* Phones always ring during a break in conversation... and the call is always relevant to the scene... and there's no call-waiting.</p><p>* No one ever thinks of a better comeback to an insult the next day.</p><p>* If you meet someone and arrange to go on a date, you'll offer to pick them up tomorrow at eight, but never exchange addresses or phone numbers.</p><p>* Rogues are always lovable and endearing.</p><p>* All combat is eventually resolved hand-to-hand.</p><p>* The bad guys attack one at a time.</p><p>* Small, fast people can beat up large, strong people.</p><p>* When you punch or kick someone, they go flying across the room.</p><p>* Stalking a woman makes her fall in love with you.</p><p>* The dumbest, most annoying, most bumbling character will be a white male.</p><p>* Breaking the rules always turns out well.</p><p>* Anyone can jump a 10-foot chain-link fence with minimal effort (unless a dog is in pursuit).</p><p>* Getting thrown through a window is merely a minor annoyance. Likewise falling down stairs.</p><p>* All offices have windows.</p><p>* 95% of computers are Macs.</p><p>* Cars are always clean, even if they're old and busted.</p><p>* Pedestrians are never hit during a car chase.</p><p>* Getting shot once anywhere by any gun will knock you down.</p><p>* Old people are amazed and confused by the antics of young people.</p><p>* White people are amazed and confused by the antics of black people.</p><p>* Caves and tunnels will never be pitch black, but will always be lit by concealed, indirect lighting.</p><p>* If you turn off the lights in a room at night, lights outside a window will turn on.</p><p>* It's easy to chop off a head or limb with one blow... and to cut through armour... and to jump onto a horse while wearing armor... and to run around in armour.</p><p>* Animals are invulnerable.</p><p>* Kids are smarter than adults.</p><p>* Kids can drive cars.</p><p>* Kids can beat up adults using karate.</p><p>* Kids are always good judges of character.</p><p>* High school students are 25 years old... and still wear their backpacks on one shoulder.</p><p>* Only bad guys smoke (these days).</p><p>* Ugly people are just beautiful people with dumpy clothes and bad haircuts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064092756, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Nasty Limericks[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man from Kent, whose cock was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he put it in double, and instead of cumming he went. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave, she had only one tit, and smelled worse than shit, but think of the money Dave saved. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man from Kubot who lived off of toe jam and snot, when he had none of these, he lived off the cheese, from the tip of his grungy old cock. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Sweeny Whose wife was a terrible meany The hatch on her snatch Had a catch that would latch And she could only get fucked by Houdini. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a girl named Kate, Whose pussy smelled like bait! Whenever Jeff pounds her The room reeks of flounder. Her twat, she should refrigerate. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Odom Whose balls were too big for his scrotum Though it was relief that he sought It all went for naught Cause he didn't know how to unloadem [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There was a guy from Nantucket He told his wife to suck it When he didn't cum She said he was dumb And hit him upside the head with a bucket. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Matt Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat. I'm willing to bet, The only pussy he gets Is when he goes home to his cat. [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Vic Who pleasured himself with a stick He once got it stuck And said "what the fuck?" And now there's no room for a prick! [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There was a man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There was a farting contest coming to town and people came from miles around the first fart was extremely loud the second fart pleased the crowd the third fart, the judges cried "He shit his pants, he's disqualified!" [B][COLOR="Red"]«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»[/COLOR][/B] There once was a man named Bob, Who loved to show off his knob, He flashed it at Dave, And rubbed it on Jay, Who sucked it like corn on the cob! [B][COLOR="Teal"]Mommy, Mommy....[/COLOR][/B] Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big! Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in. Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here! Shut up son or I'll flush it again. Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child? Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards. Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids? Shut up son and deal. Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child? Shut up son and pass me the crowbar. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire! Shut up son and get the barbecue sauce. Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere? Shut up son or I'll chop off the other leg! Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles? Shut up son and get back in the barrel! Mommy, Mommy! the kids next door are calling me a three headed dragon! Shut up son and don't you worry. Three heads are always better than one. Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China! Shut up son and keep digging. Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast? Shut up son and reload. Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14! Shut up Stanley. Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy. Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa? Shut up son and get back in the box! Mommy, Mommy! Jimmy is biting grandma's nail! Stop it Jimmy, or I am closing the coffin lid. Mommy, Mommy! I don't want my hair braided! Shut up son and lift the other arm. Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet? Shut up son or I'll flush you down. Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma? Not today son, you've already dug her up three times this week. Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up son and lift the dart board higher! Mommy, Mommy! Why is everybody running away? Shut up son and reload. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up son and accelerate! Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise! Shut up son and eat around it. Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice! Shut up son and drink it before it clots. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy vomited! Shut up son and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big pieces. Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready? Shut up son and keep pissing. Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey! Shut up son and comb your face. Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm? Shut up son and hump faster, you'll soon find out. Mummy, Mummy!, Julie won't come skipping with me! Don't be cruel son, you know it makes her stumps bleed. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Things That Only Happen In Movies[/COLOR][/B] * Any computer system can be hacked in 60 seconds. * Phones always ring during a break in conversation... and the call is always relevant to the scene... and there's no call-waiting. * No one ever thinks of a better comeback to an insult the next day. * If you meet someone and arrange to go on a date, you'll offer to pick them up tomorrow at eight, but never exchange addresses or phone numbers. * Rogues are always lovable and endearing. * All combat is eventually resolved hand-to-hand. * The bad guys attack one at a time. * Small, fast people can beat up large, strong people. * When you punch or kick someone, they go flying across the room. * Stalking a woman makes her fall in love with you. * The dumbest, most annoying, most bumbling character will be a white male. * Breaking the rules always turns out well. * Anyone can jump a 10-foot chain-link fence with minimal effort (unless a dog is in pursuit). * Getting thrown through a window is merely a minor annoyance. Likewise falling down stairs. * All offices have windows. * 95% of computers are Macs. * Cars are always clean, even if they're old and busted. * Pedestrians are never hit during a car chase. * Getting shot once anywhere by any gun will knock you down. * Old people are amazed and confused by the antics of young people. * White people are amazed and confused by the antics of black people. * Caves and tunnels will never be pitch black, but will always be lit by concealed, indirect lighting. * If you turn off the lights in a room at night, lights outside a window will turn on. * It's easy to chop off a head or limb with one blow... and to cut through armour... and to jump onto a horse while wearing armor... and to run around in armour. * Animals are invulnerable. * Kids are smarter than adults. * Kids can drive cars. * Kids can beat up adults using karate. * Kids are always good judges of character. * High school students are 25 years old... and still wear their backpacks on one shoulder. * Only bad guys smoke (these days). * Ugly people are just beautiful people with dumpy clothes and bad haircuts. [/QUOTE]
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