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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064095188" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Useless Penis Facts</span></strong></p><p></p><p>*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200</p><p>*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000</p><p>*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons</p><p>*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons</p><p>*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour</p><p>*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour</p><p>*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7</p><p>*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150</p><p>*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches</p><p>*Average length when erect: 5.1</p><p>*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch</p><p>*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches</p><p>*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)</p><p>*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet</p><p>*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall</p><p>*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight</p><p>*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ</p><p>*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%</p><p>*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%</p><p>*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%</p><p>*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks</p><p>*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11</p><p>*Average # of erections during the night: 9</p><p>*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches</p><p>*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)</p><p>*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds</p><p>*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours</p><p>*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)</p><p>*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years</p><p>*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100</p><p>*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm</p><p>*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm</p><p>*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm</p><p>*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6</p><p>*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.</p><p>*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.</p><p>*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.</p><p>*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)</p><p>*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.</p><p>*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.</p><p>*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.</p><p>*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1.. You're a bitch.</p><p>2.. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get</p><p>pissed off when you are believed.</p><p>3.. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,</p><p>start ****** him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.</p><p>4.. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.</p><p>5.. Whine.</p><p>6.. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your</p><p>almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep,</p><p>it's because he is lazy.</p><p>7.. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.</p><p>8.. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.</p><p>9.. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for</p><p>meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving</p><p>his love.</p><p>10.. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your</p><p>cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.</p><p>11.. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must</p><p>be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately</p><p>to spread this as quickly as possible.</p><p>12.. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing</p><p>anything other than catering to your needs.</p><p></p><p></p><p>There once were three women from Birmingham</p><p>And this is the story concerning them.</p><p>They lifted the frock</p><p>and tickled the cock</p><p>of the Bishop while he was confirming them.</p><p>Now the Bishop was nobody's fool</p><p>(He'd gone to a good public school)</p><p>So he pulled down their britches</p><p>and buggered those bitches</p><p>with his ten inch Episcopal tool.</p><p></p><p>When he'd filled up the last one with goo</p><p>She said, as the Bishop withdrew</p><p>"The Vicar is thicker</p><p>and quicker and slicker</p><p>and longer and stronger than you!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">In The Closet</span></strong></p><p></p><p>This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see</p><p>what took place in their room when the doors were locked. As he peeked</p><p>thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend</p><p>going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife whisks her</p><p>boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in. After</p><p>several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."</p><p>Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more</p><p>minutes the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How</p><p>much?" In reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes</p><p>pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for</p><p>$50 as well. The man reluctantly agrees. After the father departs, the</p><p>woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue</p><p>she sends him on his way. The next morning at the breakfast table the</p><p>little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother</p><p>asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."</p><p>The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to</p><p>get in the car. The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get</p><p>into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When</p><p>the priest slid the door over, the boy said "Boy it's dark in here." To</p><p>which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again...</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">IIIII</span></strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.</p><p></p><p>Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the</p><p>middle.</p><p></p><p>Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!</p><p></p><p>Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in</p><p>case!</p><p></p><p>Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to</p><p>scream out at the end.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">IIIII</span></strong></p><p></p><p>What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?</p><p>A Sweet Fuck.</p><p></p><p>What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?</p><p>A thought.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064095188, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Useless Penis Facts[/COLOR][/B] *Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200 *Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 *Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons *Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons *Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour *Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour *Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7 *Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150 *Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches *Average length when erect: 5.1 *Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch *Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches *Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale) *Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet *Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall *Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight *Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ *Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% *Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54% *Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41% *Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks *Average # of erections per day for a man: 11 *Average # of erections during the night: 9 *Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches *The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance) *Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds *Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours *Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation) *Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years *Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100 *Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm *Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm *Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm *# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6 *In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. *Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. *Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. *Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun) *Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. *Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower. *It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection. *Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman[/COLOR][/B] 1.. You're a bitch. 2.. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed. 3.. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start ****** him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4.. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 5.. Whine. 6.. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy. 7.. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 8.. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 9.. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love. 10.. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life. 11.. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible. 12.. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs. There once were three women from Birmingham And this is the story concerning them. They lifted the frock and tickled the cock of the Bishop while he was confirming them. Now the Bishop was nobody's fool (He'd gone to a good public school) So he pulled down their britches and buggered those bitches with his ten inch Episcopal tool. When he'd filled up the last one with goo She said, as the Bishop withdrew "The Vicar is thicker and quicker and slicker and longer and stronger than you!" [B][COLOR="Teal"]In The Closet[/COLOR][/B] This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what took place in their room when the doors were locked. As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife whisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in. After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here." Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well. The man reluctantly agrees. After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue she sends him on his way. The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car. The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the door over, the boy said "Boy it's dark in here." To which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again... [B][COLOR="Red"]IIIII[/COLOR] [COLOR="Teal"]LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS[/COLOR][/B] Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle. Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF! Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case! Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end. [B][COLOR="Red"]IIIII[/COLOR][/B] What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ? A Sweet Fuck. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. [/QUOTE]
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