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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064106580" data-attributes="member: 14320">British HumorI was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, byturning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!———————————————————–The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.———————————————————–Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting“paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.———————————————————–The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and lowcut tops…. although, they do make me look a bit gay.———————————————————–Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, aspokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”———————————————————–My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class givehim a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stopbefore you’re banned from teaching altogether.”———————————————————–Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.———————————————————–Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend…****Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.****Or in other words……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.———————————————————–Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for halfan hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”———————————————————–Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?****17% said yes; 11% said No;72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”———————————————————–On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people” isn’t theright answer.They’ve sent my form back!———————————————————–Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at hiswedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.———————————————————–The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with mebecause she can’t afford batteries!———————————————————–Some ba#stard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s panties off the washingline. She’s not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothespins back.Amazing!!Can you read the following paragraph? Most people can! Amazing!I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it__________One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.__________Love is a temptation caused by a sensationwhich a man sticks his location into a girls destinationwhich doubles the population for the next generationdo you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?__________One sperm says to another: How long will it take to get to the womb??????The other sperm replies: Quite a while we have to pass the tonsils first!!!!!__________Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.Said Simple Simon to the pie man,‘What have you got there?’Said the pie man unto Simon,‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!__________Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,Kissed the girls and made them cry.And when the boys came out to play,He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.__________There was a little girl who had a little curlRight in the middle of her forehead.When she was good, she was very, very good.But when she was bad……..She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.A Little Old LadyA little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front doorof an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakilyhobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asksthe sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss? "The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes wedo have dildos. Actually we carry many models."The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhaveaaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesssthththiiickkk? "The clerk responds, "Yes we do"."Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwwwttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra!It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts frombouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden..........even in cold temperatures....After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outsidewhere a large group of men beat the shit out of him.A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices amonkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver whatthe monkey is for.The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey withthe back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across thedash.The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pullsout his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up,puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard."See that?" said the trucker.The man said, "Yeah."The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"</blockquote>

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