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JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064123139" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Hallmark Cards You'll Never See</span></strong></p><p></p><p>1. So your daughter's a hooker,</p><p>and it spoiled your day...</p><p>Look at the bright side,</p><p>she's a really good lay.</p><p>2. My tire was thumping,</p><p>I thought it was flat...</p><p>when I looked at the tire,</p><p>I noticed your cat. Sorry.</p><p>3. You had your bladder removed,</p><p>and you're on the mends...</p><p>here's a bouquet of flowers</p><p>and a box of Depends.</p><p>4. Happy Vasectomy!</p><p>Hope you feel zippy!</p><p>'Cause when I had mine</p><p>I got real snippy.</p><p>5. Heard your wife left you,</p><p>How upset you must be...</p><p>But don't fret about it,</p><p>She moved in with me.</p><p>6. Your computer is dead,</p><p>it was once so great...</p><p>Don't you regret installing</p><p>Windows '98?</p><p>7. You totalled your car,</p><p>and can't remember why...</p><p>could it have been</p><p>that case of Bud Dry?</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Better Definitions</span></strong></p><p></p><p>ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.</p><p>BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.</p><p>CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.</p><p>CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.</p><p>COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.</p><p>DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.</p><p>EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.</p><p>GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.</p><p>HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.</p><p>INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.</p><p>MYTH: A female moth.</p><p>MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.</p><p>RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.</p><p>SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time</p><p>TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.</p><p>TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.</p><p>YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.</p><p>WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">What Women Want In Men</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Original List (age 22):</p><p>1. Handsome</p><p>2. Charming</p><p>3. Financially successful</p><p>4. A caring listener</p><p>5. Witty</p><p>6. In good shape</p><p>7. Dresses with style</p><p>8. Appreciates finer things</p><p>9. Full of thoughtful surprises</p><p>10. An imaginative, romantic lover</p><p></p><p>Revised List (age 32):</p><p>1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)</p><p>2. Opens car doors, holds chairs</p><p>3. Has enough money for a nice dinner</p><p>4. Listens more than talks</p><p>5. Laughs at my jokes</p><p>6. Carries bags of groceries with ease</p><p>7. Owns at least one tie</p><p>8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal</p><p>9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries</p><p>10. Seeks romance at least once a week</p><p></p><p>Revised List (age 42):</p><p>1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)</p><p>2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car</p><p>3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally</p><p>4. Nods head when I'm talking</p><p>5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes</p><p>6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture</p><p>7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach</p><p>8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids</p><p>9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down</p><p>10. Shaves most weekends</p><p></p><p>Revised List (age 52):</p><p>1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed</p><p>2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public</p><p>3. Doesn't borrow money too often</p><p>4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting</p><p>5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times</p><p>6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends</p><p>7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear</p><p>8. Appreciates a good TV dinner</p><p>9. Remembers my name on occasion</p><p>10. Shaves some weekends</p><p></p><p>Revised List (age 62):</p><p>1. Doesn't scare small children</p><p>2. Remembers where bathroom is</p><p>3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep</p><p>4. Only snores lightly when asleep</p><p>5. Remembers why he's laughing</p><p>6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself</p><p>7. Usually wears clothes</p><p>8. Likes soft foods</p><p>9. Remembers where he left his teeth</p><p>10. Remembers that it's the weekend</p><p></p><p>Revised List (age 72):</p><p>1. Breathing</p><p>2. Doesn't miss the toilet</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064123139, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Hallmark Cards You'll Never See[/COLOR][/B] 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry. 3. You had your bladder removed, and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 5. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be... But don't fret about it, She moved in with me. 6. Your computer is dead, it was once so great... Don't you regret installing Windows '98? 7. You totalled your car, and can't remember why... could it have been that case of Bud Dry? [B][COLOR="Teal"]Better Definitions[/COLOR][/B] ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. [B][COLOR="Teal"]What Women Want In Men[/COLOR][/B] Original List (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover Revised List (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week Revised List (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends Revised List (age 52): 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers my name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends Revised List (age 62): 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend Revised List (age 72): 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet [/QUOTE]
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