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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064149154" data-attributes="member: 14320">Nursing HomeA young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up.. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand"."What's that, asked the son?""They don't let you fart here"!___________A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only tobe confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuumcleaner."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a coupleminutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latestin high-powered vacuum cleaners."I'm sorry," said the old lady, "but I haven't got any money" andshe proceeded to close the door.The young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seenmy demonstration."And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over herhallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horseshit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat theremainder.""Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because myelectricity was cut off this morning."______________On the inside of a toilet door:Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.The Farmer And The FillyA farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her andstarts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, becauseshe won't be able to race, so he calls the vet.The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keepthe stallion away. So, that day, the farmer does just that.The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet'ssolution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmerfollows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor'kid out by their barn."Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around herrump?"the farmer asks.The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morningwith a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"==========Q: How do most men define marriage?A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?A: Stu.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie?A: Spike.Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?A: Dog food.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?A: Bernie.Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?A: Rocky.Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?A: Divorced.Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?A: The vegetable garden.Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?A: The back of her head.</blockquote>

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