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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064187717" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Where's The Lady Of The House?</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.</p><p>The guy says, "Who is this?"</p><p>"This is the maid.", answered the woman.</p><p>"We don't have a maid!"</p><p>"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."</p><p>"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"</p><p>"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."</p><p>The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"</p><p>"What do I have to do?"</p><p>"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.</p><p>The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"</p><p>"Throw them in the swimming pool!"</p><p>"What?! There's no pool here?"</p><p>Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=======</span></strong></p><p>A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh</p><p>blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some</p><p>sleep.</p><p></p><p>Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started</p><p>hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off</p><p>and let him get some sleep.</p><p></p><p>However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow</p><p>me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats</p><p>behind him.</p><p></p><p>Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest</p><p>of trees.</p><p></p><p>Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around</p><p>him.</p><p></p><p>"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.</p><p></p><p>"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.</p><p></p><p>"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.</p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">========</span></strong></p><p>Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."</p><p>Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"</p><p>"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Pussy & Bitch</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and</p><p>their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.</p><p>"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"</p><p></p><p>The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest</p><p>dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is</p><p>a pussy." the son then asks</p><p>"What's a bitch?"</p><p>The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says</p><p>"Son, this is a bitch."</p><p></p><p>The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching</p><p>television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a</p><p>pussy?"</p><p>The father doesn't want to miss the baseball</p><p>game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold,</p><p>grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this</p><p>is a pussy!"</p><p></p><p>The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking</p><p>about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"</p><p></p><p>The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"</p><p></p><p></p><p>Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that</p><p>connects the eyeball to the asshole?</p><p>It is called the anal optic nerve.</p><p>It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.</p><p>If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it</p><p>doesn't bring a tear to your eye.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park</p><p>denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to</p><p>ask the mother some questions.</p><p></p><p>"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know</p><p>anything about contraceptives?"</p><p>"What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply.</p><p></p><p>"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when</p><p>you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"</p><p></p><p>"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064187717, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Where's The Lady Of The House?[/COLOR][/B] A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?" [B][COLOR="Red"]=======[/COLOR][/B] A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T. [B][COLOR="Red"]========[/COLOR][/B] Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls." Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?" "No", Sue answers. "That dirty." [B][COLOR="Teal"]Pussy & Bitch[/COLOR][/B] A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!" Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to ask the mother some questions. "Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?" "What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply. "Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?" "Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!" [/QUOTE]
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