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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064263636" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Pardon Me, But Your Red Neck Is Showing!</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his</p><p>entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?</p><p>She can't touch it till she's fourteen.</p><p></p><p>What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?</p><p>Nice tooth!</p><p></p><p>Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:</p><p>"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."</p><p></p><p>How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you</p><p>call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the</p><p>person at the front desk says "Go ahead."</p><p></p><p>How can you tell if a redneck is married?</p><p>There is tobacco spit</p><p>stains on both sides of his pickup truck.</p><p></p><p>What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?</p><p>In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.</p><p>In West Virginia it's a</p><p>misdemeanor.</p><p></p><p>Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in</p><p>West Virginia to 32?</p><p>It seems they want to keep alcohol out of</p><p>the high schools!</p><p></p><p>What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?</p><p>A documentary.</p><p></p><p>What do they call it in Kentucky?</p><p>"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."</p><p></p><p>How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?</p><p>Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.</p><p></p><p>Why did God invent armadillos?</p><p>So that rednecks can have 'possum</p><p>on the half shell.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">======</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?</p><p>A: A pimp.</p><p></p><p>Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?</p><p>A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan</p><p></p><p>Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?</p><p>A: A different bar.</p><p>Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?</p><p>A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.</p><p></p><p>Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k?</p><p>A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!</p><p></p><p>Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?</p><p>A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">God Grant Me The Senility...</span></strong></p><p></p><p>God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.</p><p>Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:</p><p>1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.</p><p>2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.</p><p>3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.</p><p>4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.</p><p>5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.</p><p>6. If all is not lost, where is it?</p><p>7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.</p><p>8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.</p><p>9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.</p><p>10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.</p><p>11. Can't remember...read #4 again.</p><p>12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.</p><p>13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.</p><p>14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.</p><p>15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?</p><p>16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.</p><p>17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.</p><p>18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.</p><p></p><p>Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making</p><p>babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little</p><p>Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.</p><p>"Do you understand?" his mother asked.</p><p>"Yes," replied Little Johnny.</p><p>"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.</p><p>"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little</p><p>Johnny.</p><p>"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.</p><p>"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1064263636, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Pardon Me, But Your Red Neck Is Showing![/COLOR][/B] Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "Go ahead." How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars. Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell. [B][COLOR="Red"]======[/COLOR][/B] Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp. Q: How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Q: What's the Cuban national anthem? A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" [B][COLOR="Teal"]God Grant Me The Senility...[/COLOR][/B] God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Can't remember...read #4 again. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. "Do you understand?" his mother asked. "Yes," replied Little Johnny. "Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother. "Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom. "Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!" [/QUOTE]
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