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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064269938" data-attributes="member: 14320">Menstrual PadsA woman saves her used menstrual pads and puts them in her closet.One night, this woman is screwing a man when she hears her husbandcome home. She frantically pushes her lover into the closet and tellshim, "Don't come out until I say it's okay." Her husband, however,surprises her with a two week vacation to Vegas, and their flight leavesin one hour. The woman, forgetting about the man in her closet, left forVegas.Upon returning, she remembers the man in her closet. Horrified thathe is dead, she opens the closet door, only to find him alive and well."Thank God, I thought you had starved.""Nonsense." he replied, "I just lived off the jelly rolls you had piledup in here."=====A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venereal diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venereal diseases. The boy answers:When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her.When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.Tonight, my parents will fuck.Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!PROCTER & GAMBLETO: MR. JAMES THATCHER,BRAND MANAGER,PROCTER & GAMBLEDear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your Always maxiPads for over 20 years, and I appreciate manyOf their features.Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) orDri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably neverGo horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'dCertainly steer clear of running up and down theBeach in tight,white shorts. But my favoriteFeature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.Kudos on being the only company smart enough toRealize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.I can't tell you how safe and secure I feelEach month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.Thatcher?Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing youHaven't. Well, my "time of the month" isStarting right now. As I type, I can already feelHormonal forces violently surging through my body.Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjustAnd I'll be transformed into what my husband likesTo call "an inbred hillbilly withKnife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,You've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on whatExactly happens during your customers' monthlyVisits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know aboutThe bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, andAbout our intense mood swings, crying jags, andOut-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's aTough time for most women.In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer foughtThe violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testiclesInto a George Foreman Grill just because he toldHer he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people mustRealize that America is just crawling with homicidalManiacs in Capri pants. Which brings meTo the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painfulI wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,I opened an Always maxi pad, and there,printed on theAdhesive backing, were these words:"Have a Happy Period."Are you f*****ng kidding me?What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-managerBrain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughingHappiness-is possible during a menstrual period?Did anything mentioned above sound the least bitPleasurable? Well,did it, James? FYI, unlessYou're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,Here will never be anything "happy" about a day inWhich you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and lockYourself in your house just so you don't marchDown to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifleAnd a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man. IfYou just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,Wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actuallyPertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular ManslaughterIs Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effectiveImmediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,For I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings,I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t.And that's a promise I will keep. Always.Best,Wendi AaronsAustin, TX</blockquote>

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