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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064285184" data-attributes="member: 14320">TequilasA guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.The bartender says, "he's sorry about it."After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too.The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family getting' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range.The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.The golf pro says not bad.Golf pro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!""Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?""Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"****** vs MarriedWhen you are ******..... Farting is never an issueWhen you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all timesWhen you are ******..... He takes you out to have a good timeWhen you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"When you are ******..... He holds your hand in publicWhen you are married ....He flicks your ear in publicWhen you are ******..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT badWhen you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cotWhen you are ******..... You are turned on at the sight of him nakedWhen you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"When you are ******..... You enjoyed foreplayWhen you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"When you are ******..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reasonWhen you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he getsWhen you are ******..... You picture the two of you together, growing old togetherWhen you are married ....You wonder who will die firstWhen you are ******..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.When you are ******..... He knows what the "hamper" isWhen you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage areaWhen you are ******..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"When you are married ....He says "It's your job."When you are ******..... He understands that you have "male" friendsWhen you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you awayWhen you are ******..... He likes to "discuss" thingsWhen you are married ....He develops a "blank" stareWhen you are ******..... He calls you by nameWhen you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.""Really! Like a new-born baby!""Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. Best Women's T-Shirts1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.2. I hate everybody, and you're next!3. And your point is....4. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.5. **Warning** I have an attitude and I know how to use it!6. You KNOW you want me.7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.9. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.10. Do NOT start with me! You will NOT win!11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!12. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.13. I'm not a bitch, I'm THE BITCH; and it's MS. BITCH to you!14. All stressed out and no one to choke.15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?16. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.17. My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn’t please any!18. Guys have feelings too. But like…who cares?19. So many men, so few who can afford me.20. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.21. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.22. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.23. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.24. Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.25. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.26. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)27. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.28. At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all… I just can’t remember it all.</blockquote>

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