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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064287421" data-attributes="member: 14320">Happy St. Patrick's Day!Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"* * * *McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."*****Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"* * * *An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up."Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?""No, I did not!" said the drunk again.Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"* * * *A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!""I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Letters Of The AlphabetThe teacher was addressing her class of young children."So, children, today we are going to run through the letters of thealphabet, and see which words we know".She scanned her eyes round the attentive young faces. "Ok ", she said,"Who can tell me a word beginning with the letter 'A'?"Little Johnny at the back shot his hand in the air."Yes, Johnny - Go on"."ARSE, miss"."Oh.... er... well, yes, I suppose so."Now, who knows a word beginning with 'B'?"Once again Johnny's hand flew into the air."Go on then Johnny"."BASTARD, Miss"."Oh dear. But yes, you're right.""Now then, who knows a word beginning with 'C'?On second thought, we'll skip that and move on to 'D'.Who knows a word beginning with the letter 'D'?"Little Johnny's hand flies up. The teacher thinks about it for a moment,and then says: "Ok, Johnny, go on...""DWARF, miss.""Oh, very good, Johnny. Do you know what a dwarf is?""Yes miss. A short-arse squat little cunt about three feet high."oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOA chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were bothjust getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching forsome aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don'tput that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Thechief turned to his barber and said in a smug voice, "Go ahead and putit on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smellslike."oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOHerb sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously.Finally, he blurted, "Blanche, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!""What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?""I've been watching you two, Herb answered, every time you yawn, hegets a hard-on!"A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriends home to meet her parents for the first time.The mother of the girl hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its balls.To break the ice, the boy looks at the girls Father and says, "I wish I could do that!"The Father looks at the boy and says, "give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando."The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said."Your wife didn't give me an erection either."*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*Young Amy likes lifting her dress,And removing her panties to pressIn a manner obscene'Gainst the washing machineTo relieve all her work-a-day stress.</blockquote>

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