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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064311083" data-attributes="member: 14320">The RobotTwo friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek."Hey, bud, how are ya?""I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!""Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"No way, how could that be?""Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze herright tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,too!""Holy shit! You're kidding, right?""No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her fora while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencilsharpener!"=======A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home oneday to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried andgathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Twodays after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in thekitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t beenhome for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wildsex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been twodays what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to getsomething to fuck’n eat.”New DrinkThis guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girlsays she'll be happy to pick up the first round as she's heardof a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to thetable and has two glasses for him.One is a shot of Bailey's. The other, a shot of lime juice.She says,Okay, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's,hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice. Helooks a little dubious but does as he's told because she'sreally cute when she's enthusiastic.First he shoots the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feelingin this mouth.Then he shoots the lime juice. After about a second, theBailey's starts to curdle in his mouth.Two seconds later, his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough toswallow the mess. As he makes a face she smiles and whisperssweetly in his ear, The drink's called 'Blowjob Revenge'.________What's the difference between a farmer with epilepsy and a blonde withdiarrhea?One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.When does a cub scout become a boy scout?When he eats his first Brownie.How To Shit Like a Woman/ManHow to shit like a woman:Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.How To Shit Like a Woman/ManHow to shit like a man:Select reading material.Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tellgirlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching thetoilet rim.Open reading material and relax.Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal toexperience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of thefirst bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legsand buttocks.Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to reportto friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visibletraces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paperbefore throwing it into the bowl.Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on thepaper.Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstancesattempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can useit again later).Wash your hands once.Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man'sself-esteem that other people smell his produce.</blockquote>

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