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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064353698" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Sunday DriveA couple were doing the Sunday drive thing in the country when thehusband spotted a sign on a farmer's fence that read, "Cow 4 sale;$5,000.00."He stopped and approached the farmer. "No cow is worth that kind ofmoney." He tells the farmer. The farmer argued, "This cow is a specialcow. It has a cunt like a woman." To prove it, he lifted the cow's tail.The husband got back in the car and told his wife, " It's just not fair.That cow has a cunt like a woman and is worth five grand. You've got acunt like a cow and you're not worth shit."~*~^~*~^~A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25thanniversary. "HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be theday you can grow hair on your chest!"On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubicarea forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damncoat!""That's not your chest!" he roars back."Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this wasyour hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwardsit became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...ITWILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"Women's TestI'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-RamaInstructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.1) A woman's place is in the:a) House (or Senate)b) Bedroomc) Officed) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails outand leave it as food for wild jackals2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"b) "Material Girl"c) "I Touch Myself"d) Theme from "Psycho"3) The perfect Christmas gift is:a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wearb) Flowers, a back rub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnetc) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVCd) Whips, knives and red-hot irons4) A woman's hairstyle should:a) Gently accentuate her best featuresb) Not resemble a poodlec) Hide the lobotomy scarsd) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal thedemon-horns5) My personal role-model is:a) Hillary Clintonb) Ruth Bader-Ginsbergc) Daisy Duked) Lorena Bobbit6) When it comes to cars, I:a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.b) [giggle] What's oil?c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:a) Familyb) Pet rockc) Therapistd) Furniture8) I have a subscription to:a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journalb) Analog and Rolling Stonec) National Enquirer and T.V. Guided) Weekly Reader9) I want to have ___ children.a) Any number, as long as they are healthyb) Somec) Yourd) Well-dressed10) My list of favorite authors include:a) William Shakespeareb) Maya Angelouc) Chairman Maod) Marquis DeSade11) A romantic evening is best spent:a) Before a roaring fireb) Having a candle-lit dinnerc) Country line dancingd) Shopping12) I want to date a(n):a) Lawyerb) Engineerc) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLubed) Anyone who owns a shoe store13) I really admire:a) My parents, for bringing me up rightb) My teachers, for teaching me about lifec) The makers of Velveetad) Zsa Zsa Gabor14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:a) Massive chestb) Tight bunsc) Tattoo collectiond) Credit cards15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:a) Sparkling witb) Open mindc) Deep understanding of power toolsd) Huh?16) I really get turned on when you:a) Are with meb) Kiss my neckc) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Headd) Do the dishes17) I can't live without:a) The support of friendsb) Oxygenc) Entertainment Tonightd) Makeup18) If you were really depressed, I would:a) Listen to your problemsb) Rub your backc) Get you drunkd) Laugh19) My favorite television programs are:a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvementb) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek:TNGc) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wantedd) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual20) My favorite pig out food is:a) Low-fat yogurtb) Haagen Daszc) Gummi wormsd) A man's still quivering heart21) A man should know where I keep my:a) House keysb) Erogenous zonesc) Ear-wax removerd) Guns22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:a) Betray a confidenceb) Betray my countryc) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"d) Spend one more minute with you23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:a) Bosnia-Herzegovinab) Texasc) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cabled) Your bedroom24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:a) "Congratulations, Madame President"b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in thefirst place."25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:a) Cryb) Call my motherc) Be pregnantd) Giggle uncontrollablyPlease write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In theRelationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.Middle Aged CouplesTwo middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay in onetent and the women stay in the other.At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with thebiggest erection I've ever had!!!""Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy."Why would you do that?""Because you're holding my dick."Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?""A hand job", Harry reply.She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" Men Vs. Women JokesFEMALE PRAYERBefore I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strong,One who loves to listen long,One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeksI pray he's gainfully employed,When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"I pray that this man will love me no end,And never attempt to hit on my friend.And as I pray beside my bed,I look at the clown you sent me instead.Amen.MALE PRAYERI pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobswho owns a liquor store. Amen.A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse."Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."Woman to her husband: Bye darling, I’m going to take the car and go shopping!Few minutes later,Woman: The engine is not starting anymore; will you come and look at it?Husband: Have you checked the fuel?Woman: No there's water in the carburetorHusband: You don't know shit about mechanical so how do you assume this to be true?Woman: Because the car is in the pool.There needs to be more elaboration here:WELL- this usually means that the woman in question cannot form a sufficient argument and is instead stalling. Usually, if you go on without pause during this time, you are asking for trouble and she will remember it for a very long time. There will be hell to pay. Watch out for WELL.OH GOD- Listen up men, this does not mean a woman is praying to God. It means she is so utterly repulsed by what you have done or said that she has nothing else to say. If encountered at the right conjunction, this word is very deadly coupled with WELL and FINE.</blockquote>

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