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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064363687" data-attributes="member: 14320">Jewish HumorA lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I havea problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they onlyknow how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the rabbi inquired."They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wantto have some fun?'""That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have asolution to your problem. Bring your two female parrotsover to my house and I will put them with my two maletalking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying thatterrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praiseand worship.""Thank you!" the woman responded.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying intheir cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrotsand the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot andexclaims, "Put away the siddurs! (prayer books) Our prayers have beenanswered!"*****A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodoxrabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?""Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.""So I can't dance with my own wife?""No.""Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," says therabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!" "What about differentpositions?" the man asks. "No problem," says the rabbi."Woman on top?" the man asks."Why not?" replies the rabbi."How about doggie-style?""Of course!""Well, what about standing up?""NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"Useless Penis Facts*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches*Average length when erect: 5.1*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11*Average # of erections during the night: 9*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.A Very Large WomanA man with a fetish for very large women walks intoa brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I wanta really large woman - as big as possible.' He isshown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head -'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.'He is shown another, even more enormous woman.'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - giveme the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown thebiggest woman who works in the brothel. She isunbelievably big - 'That's more like it!'He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presentlyis on top of her going about satisfying his sexualdesires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning,he suddenly stops and says to the woman -'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' towhich the woman replies'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find meunattractive.' to which the man replies -'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractivewoman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!_________Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell. His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends. Billy's mother says to Johnny "you know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs". Johnny replies "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag".The DogsThree people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man’s dog asked the second man’s dog what he’s there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, “Well, you see… I’ve been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, “Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.The third dog said, “This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!” The other dogs say, ” so’ that’s why they are putting you to sleep?” No says the dog, “She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”********Morris and Sherry were married for five years and sex wasbecoming routine and boring."Look," said Morris , "if you don't put some more action intoit in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff.""Listen, Romeo," said Sherry , "if you could somehow manage just ateensy inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!*********A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"</blockquote>

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