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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064365368" data-attributes="member: 14320">Hills Of AlabamaWhile vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discoveredthat he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashionedcountry store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass,quite obviously a local farm girl.... He asked, "Do you keep stationery?""Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, thenI just go plain wild and crazy!"My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -"Stop acting like your father!"My wife said " Honey , go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny ....I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back .....when I got back , she said "Thanks" and walked out the door.A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.The mother-in-law said to her son's wife, when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't lookanything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a freaking photocopier."The Creation Of A PussySeven wise men with knowledge so fine,created a pussy to their design.First was a butcher,with smart wit,using a knife,he gave it a slit,Second was a carpenter,strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel,he gave it a hole,Third was a tailor,tall and thin,by using red velvet,he lined it within,Fourth was a hunter,short and stout,with a piece of fox fur,he lined it without,Fifth was a fisherman,nasty as hell,threw in a fish and gave it a smell,Sixth was a preacher,whose name was McGee,he touched it and blessed it,and said it could pee,Last was a sailor,dirty little runt,he sucked it and fucked it,and called it a cunt.=================Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mudWanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubblesWanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.Here I sit in misty vaporin a shit house with no paperI have no time to sit and lingerwatch out asshole here comes finger.What is the difference between a sin and shame?It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack""No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?A. Because its finger licking good!Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs ???......A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face Dad will never sayTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.----------------Fathers day jokes and one linersDad Wisdom: Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.Dad Wisdom: Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree!Dad Wisdom: Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?Dad Wisdom: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Dad Wisdom: Half the people you know are below average.Dad Wisdom: I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.Dad Wisdom: I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.Dad Wisdom: I finally got my head together and then my body fell apart.Dad Wisdom: I never start something that I am not going to fiDad Wisdom: I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done already.Dad Wisdom: Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm.Dad Wisdom: Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.Dad Wisdom: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.Dad Wisdom: Old age comes at a bad time.A father carries pictures where his money used to be.You’re old when you don’t care where your wife goes, Just so you don’t have to go along.Father’s Day brings out my paternal instincts. An hour of babysitting takes them away.You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales.Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him for advice.Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Clean out the garage for him.Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Tell him you love him a whole hardware-store-full.Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him to autograph a baseball.Dad’s still say: Because I said so.Dad’s still say: Go ask your mother.Dad’s still say: Don’t make me stop this car!Dad’s still say: Were you raised in a barn?Dad’s still say: You don’t know what hardwork is.Dad’s still say: It builds character.Dad’s still say: Money doesn’t grow on trees.Dad’s still say: A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.Dad’s still say: When I was your age…Dad’s still say: Your grounded till you’re 30!Show your dad you really appreciate all the things he’s done. Lend him the keys to your car.The perfect Father’s Day gift? Take Mom on vacation with you.I know what I’m getting for Father’s Day. Last night my daughter asked me what size aftershave I wear.My dad’s not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me I think it was called a “half-Nelson.”Father’s Day always worries me. I’m afraid I’ll get a gift I can’t afford.Nowadays, Father’s Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.My son wants 50% of my Father’s Day gifts. He says, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I’m lost. Let’s stop & get directions.Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO WILD!!Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Mom & I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: No. I have no idea what’s wrong with your car.Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: You don’t need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.Today, it’s the size of his minivan.A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed,whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside."Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stolethe $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest withthe mail boy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whoremistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. Andit was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can youfind it in your heart to forgive me before I go?""Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisonedyou."________The three stages of increasing gut size consist of the following:Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis.Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not.Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head.________Question: If you are sitting in the living room watching football on the tele and drinking a beer when all of asudden the wife walks into the room, what is wrong?Answer: The chain is to long.________There once was a man from NantucketWhose dick was so long he could suck itHe said with a grinAs he wiped off his chinIf my ear was a cunt I could fuck it</blockquote>

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