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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064388885" data-attributes="member: 14320">As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written animpressive new book.It's called "Ministers Do MoreThan Lay People."2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink andbe Mary.3. As we slide down the banister of life, may thesplinters never point the wrong way.4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flashand it is gone.5. The only time the world beats a path to your dooris if you're in the bathroom.6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seatfolded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it reallychilled the mood.7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trashout, gives the impression that he just cleaned the wholehouse.9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vendingmachines and a large trash can.10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanicmight try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told meall I needed was turn signal fluid."11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me aprescription for Viagra. He said it would be like puttinga new flagpole on a condemned building.12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I wentto see how he was and found himwriting frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabiescould be treated, and hedidn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment forenjoying sex.A Midget With A Speech ImpedimentA guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse."A female horth."He shows him a prized filly."Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over."Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears."Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth."Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing."Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and whiledoing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times.Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinkingabout him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?"..."OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.Before And After MarriageBefore - You take my breath away.After - I feel like I'm suffocating.Before - Twice a night.After - Twice a month.Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.Before - Ricky & Lucy.After - Fred & Ethel.Before - Saturday Night Live.After - Monday Night Football.Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...Before - Don't Stop.After - Don't Start.Before - The Sound of Music.After - The Sound of Silence.Before - Is that all you are eating?After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.Before - Wheel of Fortune.After - Jeopardy.Before - It's like living a dream.After - It's a nightmare.Before - $60/dozen.After - $1.50/stem.Before - Turbo charged.After - Needs a jump-start.Before - We agree on everything!After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?Before - Victoria's Secret.After - Fruit of the Loom.Before - Feathers & handcuffs.After - Ball and chain.Before - Idol.After - Idle.Before - He's lost without me.After - Why can't he ask for directions?Before - When together, time stands still.After - This relationship is going nowhere.Before - Croissant and cappuccino.After - Bagels and instant coffee.Before - Oysters.After - Fish sticks.Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?They Walk Among us!Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.Caution... They Walk Among Us!====================While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!====================I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!====================My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .They Walk Among Us!====================My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk ...They Walk Among Us!====================My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount ....They Walk Among Us!====================I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...They Walk Among Us!====================I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...They Walk Among Us!====================While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."Yep, They Walk Among Us, too!====================*They walk among us, AND reproduce!*</blockquote>

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