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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064407317" data-attributes="member: 14320"> One LinersWanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mudWanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubblesWanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.Here I sit in misty vapor in a shit house with no paperI have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.What is the difference between a sin and shame?It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack""No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?A. Because its finger licking good!Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs ???......A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face=====Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.He casually asked,"Grandma what's that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didn't say another word.Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy what's that?" She replied, "Well Johnny that's my beaver."Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!" Thoughts On AgingMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE FROM THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none of them are visible.2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on aconversation in English.4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and isnamed Flower.5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans aregrown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran andEthiopian.8. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?9. A really great parking place can totally move you to tears.10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.11.Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseballcap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really is GeorgeClooney.12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.13. You can't remember....is pot illegal?14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every newsstation "Storm Watch"15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are allbusy with their cells or pagers.16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hourearly to avoid all the weather related accidents.17. Hey!!!!! is pot illegal?18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personaltrainers, and cosmetic surgeons.19. The Terminator is your governor.20 If you drive illegally, they take your driver's licence. If you'rehere illegally, they want to give you one.During a quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and walked up to him, as he grabbed the doorknob."Didn't you hear what I said?" asked Michael. "I don't want you to try and stop me!""Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "I'm going with you!"Colonoscopy'sColonoscopy's are no joke, but these comments during this exam werequitehumorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual commentsmadeby his patients (predominately male) while he was performing theirColonoscopy:1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gonebefore!"2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"3. "Can you hear me NOW?"4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."And the best one of all . . .13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not upthere?"________________________________There once was a man named EugeneWho invented a screwing machineConcave and convexIt served either sexAnd it played with itself in between.There once was a priest from Bings,whose mind was on heavenly things.But his earthly desirewas a boy on the choirwhose ass shook like jello on springs.There was a young girl from Odessa,A rather unblushing transgressor.When sent to the priestThe lewd little beastBegan to undress her confessor.________________________________Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?A: You marry her.Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?A: You marry him.</blockquote>

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