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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064409210" data-attributes="member: 14320">TruismsBehind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one. A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress. Chess players mate better. Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK. Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together. The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night. I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed. Prostitution is a hole sale business. A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight. I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind. Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people. Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that'stroublesome.Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After awhile you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actuallyenjoying it.Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he isin trouble again.Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither doesmilk.Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!Forgive your enemies but remember their names Wife's GiftsA rich man and a poor man were discussing what theygave their wives for their anniversary.The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a MercedesBenz."Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive herMercedes Benz to take it back."The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell himwhat he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did youbuy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't likethe flip flops, she can go fuck herself."%%%%%Little Johnny has just been toilet trainedAnd decides to use the big toilet like his daddy.He pushes up the seat and balances his littlePenis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down,And little Johnny lets out a scream.His mother comes running to find Johnny hoppingRound the room clutching his genitals and howling.He looks up at her with his little tear stainedFace and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."His mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"RepairsA husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering forweeks now."He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like Ihave a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.""Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To whichhe replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghousewritten on my forehead? I don't think so.""Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?They're about to break.""I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Doesit look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feelguilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As heenters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get abeer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all getfixed?"She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a niceyoung man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all therepairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California?California became a state.The State had no electricity.The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.There were gun fights in the streets.So basically, it was just like California today except the womenhad real breasts and the men didn't hold hands. PilsnerA woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley.The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley.The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical."What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked."My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees."No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suckwith the best of them, but he says I can't cook!":::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day.So, the doctor finally decided to see what this man was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"</blockquote>

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