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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064417803" data-attributes="member: 14320">Things Overheard At The STD Clinic The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, apublic health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for SexuallyTransmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list twodecades ago; it now includes several hundred comments."I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculateI have flashbacks.""My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch.""I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on andmyface stunk and my dick hurt.""My last period looked like meat.""My balls feel soft and mushy.""I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tellyou they got something unless they mad at you.""How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?""I got the dripper.""I have food chunks in my urine.""Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin'a little raw down there.""Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind.""I'm releasing semen when I take a crap.""I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-oldhomosexual man.""I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolisover. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop thesores,they smell like vagina juice.""Can't you put the swab in further?""I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and myother new baby's momma has disease.""Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheatbefore it's cooked.""My cervix hurts when I jiggle.""The seam in my circumcision split open.""I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trusteitherof them.""My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially myarmpits.""From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenalineout of me.""I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in mybrain and had sex with me.""I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a'chlamydiahoris.'""My pee smells like ham."Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up. Doc RourkeDoc Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobbyto put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractiveyoung lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing arobe.Doc smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation withhim. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obviousthat she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Doc broke into a sweattrying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed herhand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someonecoming..."They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door,she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.Shepurred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"The flustered, embarrassed Doc stammered, cleared his throatseveral times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be yourears!"She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They arefull, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn'tsag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of mybody?"Clearing his throat once again, Doc stammered - "Outside when yousaid you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"'''''Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit?A: Olive.Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher?A: "See you next period."Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter?A: Chapped lips.Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped?A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass.Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower?A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger.Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball?A: He kept his eye on the ball.Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got agreasy box to stick your bone in.Q: What are the three reasons a beastist prefers sheep over people?1. They never have a headache.2. They are always in the mood.3. When you finish fucking them, you can eat them.Bad NewsA gay guy is in the doctor's office: Doctor: I'm afraid I have bad news. You have an advanced case of AIDS. Gay Guy: Oh, doctor, doctor, what am I going to DO? Doctor: Well, I'd say go to Mexico. Drink as much of water as you can. Not that bottled water - I'm talking about real Mexican tap water. Then, eat as much of the local food as you can. Make sure you eat plenty of beans, cabbage and lots and lots of fruit. Buy hot dogs, tacos and burritos from street vendors, too. Gay Guy: Doctor, will that cure me? Doctor: Nope, but it will teach you what your asshole is for!~~~~~While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though." "What's that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"~~~~~MEN!!!To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age...At age 4, success is not peeing in his pantsAt age 16, success is "getting' a little"At age 50, success is about career and familyAt age 65, success is "getting' a little"At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants~~~~~An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."</blockquote>

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