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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064540029" data-attributes="member: 14320">Rules And Instructions On Being A Man( Part 1)1. Don't call. EVER.2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more funto let her figure it out by herself.3. Lie.4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissisticand unoriginal, such as "spike"5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tellthem you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyoneabout it.7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want toanswer, a grunt will do.8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matterwhat, it isn't your fault.9. Lie.10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more womenthan baths.11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noisesare permissible.14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a bigpenis)15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write hisname in urine.16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after herbest friend. She will then see what she's missing andlove you for not giving up on her.17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think yourgirlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your styleon picking up chicks.19. Lie.20. Deny everything. Everything.21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends abouther. Especially female friends you suspect may have acrush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a manremember?) They really want to know.22. Don't have a clue.23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.24. No means yes.25. Yes means no.26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls willshrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one ofthe most important rules.27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possiblepositions and locations.28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,sex often signifies the end of a relationship.29. Feelings? What feelings?30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better thanyou at something, either pretend it's not true or kicktheir ass.31. Lie I tell you!!32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you arebacked into a corner and must make a decision, stall. Ifyou still must come up with an answer, leave yourself aloophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will youtake me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if youcan guess how many sperm I produce each day."33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to havesexual meaning. Twist.34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look likevarious genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh,make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggeratethe dimensions by 25%).35. Lie.36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think aboutsaying it.37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does notsatisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really notworth it.38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get herback. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.39. Lie.40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forgettrivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-dayand eye color.43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, theycan't see you.</blockquote>