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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064584200" data-attributes="member: 14320">CHILI TASTERNotes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,who was visitingTexas from the East Coast:"Recently I was honored to be selected as anoutstanding Famouscelebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,because no oneelse wanted to do it. Also the original person calledin sick at thelast moment, and I happened to be standing there atthe judge's tableasking directions to the beer wagon when the callcame. I was assured bythe other two judges (Native Texans) that the chiliwouldn't be all thatspicy, and besides they told me I could have free beerduring thetasting, so I accepted.Here are the scorecards from the event:Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster ChiliJUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? Youcould remove driedpaint from your driveway with it. Took me two beersto put the flamesout. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans arecrazy.Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner ChiliJUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapenotang.JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers tobe takenseriously.FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm notsure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off twopeople who wantedto give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had towalkie-talkie in 3 extrabeers when they saw the look on my face.Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn ChiliJUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans.JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use ofred peppers.FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. Mynose feels like Ihave been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routineby now. Barmaidpounded me on the back; now my backbone is in thefront part of mychest. I'm getting shit-faced.Chili # 4: Bubba's Black MagicJUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish orother mild foods, not much of a chili.FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, butwas unable totaste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind mewith freshrefills; that300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,just like thisnuclear-waste I'm eating.Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip RemoverJUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppersfreshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive.JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use moretomato. Must admitthe cayenne peppers make a strong statement.FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focusmy eyes. I fartedand four people behind me needed paramedics. Thecontestant seemedoffended when I told her that her chili had given mebrain damage. Sallysaved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directlyon it from apitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judgesasked me to stopscreaming. Fuck those rednecks!Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian VarietyJUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.Good balance of spiceand peppers.JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,onions, and garlic.Superb.FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filledwith gaseous,sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behindme except thatslut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation ChiliJUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance oncanned peppers.JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literallythrew in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. I should note that Iam worried aboutJudge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distressas he is cursinguncontrollably.FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth,pull the fuckingpin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost thesight in one eye,and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.My shirt iscovered with chili which slid unnoticed out of myfucking mouth. Mypants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamnshirt. At leastduring the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stopbreathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not gettingany oxygen anyway.If I need air, I'll just suck it in through thefucking 4 inch hole inmy stomach.Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint ChiliJUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blendchili, safe for all,not too bold but spicy enough to declare itsexistence.JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JudgeNumber 3 passedout, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.Not sure if he'sgoing to make it. Poor Yank.FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 wasunable to report.)</blockquote>

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