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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064592694" data-attributes="member: 14320">Memo To Employees: Subject: FW: Memo to employees:If you don't read anything else, read the paycheck guide.SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof ofsickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.SURGERY:Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, youneed all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breachof employment.BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can dofor dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should bemade to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled inthe late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through yourlunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your shareof the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.YOUR OWN DEATH:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least twoweeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.REST ROOM USE:Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In thefuture, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.For instance, those employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10to 8:20 and so on.If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to waituntil the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergenciesemployees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, thereis now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of threeminutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,and the stall door will open.PAYCHECK GUIDE:The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employeesbetter understand their paychecks:Item AmountGross pay $1,222.02Income tax $244.40Outgo tax $45.21State tax $11.61Interstate tax $61.10County tax $6.11City tax $12.22Rural tax $4.44Back tax $1.11Front tax $1.16Side tax $1.61Up tax $2.22Tic-Tacs $1.98Thumbtacks $3.93Carpet tacks $0.98Stadium tax $0.69Flat tax $8.32Surtax $3.46Corporate tax $2.60Parking fee $5.00F.I.C.A. $81.88T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95Life insurance $5.85Health insurance $16.23Dental insurance $4.50Mental insurance $4.33Reassurance $0.11Disability $2.50Ability $0.25Liability $3.41Unreliability $10.99Coffee $6.85Coffee Cups $66.51Floor rental $16.85Chair rental $0.32Desk rental $4.32Union dues $5.85Union don'ts $3.77Cash advance $0.69Cash retreats $121.35Overtime $1.26Undertime $54.83Eastern Time $9.00Central Time $8.00Western Time $7.00Pacific Time $6.00Time Out $12.21Oxygen $10.02Water $16.54Heat $51.42Cool air $26.83Hot air $20.00Miscellaneous $113.29Sundry $12.09Various $8.01Net Take Home $0.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or inputshould be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week.Paul</blockquote>

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