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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064593100" data-attributes="member: 14320">IRSNote: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing orenhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It's a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarredenial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks foritself.Dear Sirs:I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 tax return. Thank you.I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minorsand no longer my responsibility, the government should know something aboutthem and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer thepeople's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it hasnot seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful thatyou will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull thatover, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating someDepartment of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or get up early to drive her to school.Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of thewisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it bestto occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face ofoverwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quiterelieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that youreinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes area little close together than those of normal people.He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened a three in the morning by a policeofficer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or theOgden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out afew days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful whenhe lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives,inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or cellphones.(They find cellphones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure tolock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of theirremedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so theschools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deductionthat you are denying me!It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understandthe curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "R's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hatsbackwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me,but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier tomove the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.You denied two of the three exemptions, so it isonly fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that youtake the youngest two. I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, butthen I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time forcounseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about puttingPatrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.Yours truly, Bob(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund).</blockquote>

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