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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064595723" data-attributes="member: 14320">A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.My .357 sat right on my lapJust waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.The young'uns were restless and watching in shiftsTo see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,When out from the yard came a godawful noiseO could it be him with a shitload of toys?I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in painI caught my left nut on my wallet's big chainBut then I unwrapped it and flew out the doorYelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!""Hands in the air and kick over that sack,And then real slowly move 20 feet back."He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffawThen I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.I heard him take off - in a second he split,Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.Back in my chair I let out such a yelpThat the wife and the kids came to offer their help,Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to dragA whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!An inflatable dollie for when the old hagStarts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.When out of the bag I had pulled every bitI said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."Here was my chance to try out my new strapWhen they started their bawling and screaming and crap.I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"Another VersionA Redneck "Night Before Christmas"'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shackNot a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I seeBut a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sickI said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep cameAnd he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!From the top of the shack to them there garbage binsNow Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.The veins on his face looked ready to pop.The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lipHe wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of threeAnd I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very niceBut he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.When the presents were gone and he had no more,He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"YEE HAWWWW!</blockquote>

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