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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064597748" data-attributes="member: 14320">Men & Women Bashing... One LinersWomen:I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!" While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop... OK I'M ON A ROLL!!!! Men:How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?One ... men will screw anything. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped. What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. What's the difference between a man and a catfish?One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish. What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? A man's undivided attention. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay. Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?" Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"</blockquote>

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