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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064628391" data-attributes="member: 14320">Marriage ContractI, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of meand pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema,I shall politely fake one.Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act, too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkeylove is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame.So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by somecomplex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you arebetter hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom to my friends.Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me forhours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" name.Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy.Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them havethe slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner.And hide their car keys so they have to stay.Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexuallydesirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportionsof a nine-month pregnancy.Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydewmelon is somewhat similar.Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else youhave ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me,I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."Section 6. 01I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devicesare beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt tooperate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove,refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.Signed _____ _____ ______ (female</blockquote>

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