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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064632216" data-attributes="member: 14320">SEX CALORIESCalories we burn whilst having sex! "If you like exercise, you will like this site, If you loathe to exercise, you will love this site!" The Act of Insertion If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Satisfying Partner (organ size) Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside. Normal size............22 calories Oversize.................15 calories Tremendous............8 calories Teensy-weensy.......163 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Positions Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock. From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories Standing Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction While in traction.............................................................124 calories (very useful during ski season) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Locations On a bar stool....................20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories In a phone booth Standing.......................14 calories lying down...................274 calories On an airliner Aisle seat....................24 calories Middle seat.................42 calories Window seat...............30 calories In the lavatory.............100 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Possible Side Effects of Intercourse Bouncing........................7 calories Sliding around................9 calories Serious Skidding............12 calories Full cartwheel................20 calories Whiplash........................27 calories Knee burn.......................6 calories Chafed elbows...............5 calories Chafed nose...................11 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sex Related Noises Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories Wheezing.........................................................5 calories Squeals............................................................4 calories Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories Low growling..................................................8 calories Squishing.........................................................10 calories Shouting...........................................................16 calories Screaming........................................................18 calories Urgent begging.................................................22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories "Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Approaching Orgasm Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories Trembling........................................................15 calories Shaking............................................................20 calories Shuddering......................................................25 calories Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Orgasm Real............27 calories Faked.........160 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Orgasmic Intensity Scale Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie Face turned purple........................15 calories Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories Magical explosions.......................10 calories Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories Earth moved..................................30 calories Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Pulling Out After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Multiple Orgasms For woman 2......14 calories 5......30 calories 8......47 calories Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped. For Men 2......21 calories 3......39 calories 4......57 calories For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Special Orgasms Clitoral...............15 calories Vaginal...............21 calories Penile.................21 calories Scrotile..............15 calories Rectal................25 calories Oral...................30 calories (can also occur during an especially good meal) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Premature Ejaculation* During insertion.............................2 calories During intercourse.........................5 calories approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, which ever comes first During foreplay.............................3 calories Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum *Often caused by an inability to do things right. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Consequences of Premature Ejaculation Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv. For Woman Frustration..........................................8 calories Anger.................................................15 calories Violent mood swing...........................20 calories Suppressing rage................................25 calories Not suppressing anger........................65 calories in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron. For Men Cursing..............................................10 calories Apologising.......................................3 calories Snivelling..........................................5 calories Pleading for mercy............................8 calories Begging for another chance...............15 calories Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Possible Side Effects of Good Sex The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include: Swooning.........................6 calories Palpitations......................10 calories Shortness of breath..........5 calories Perspiring........................8 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex A less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorie --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Recovering Un-entwining............................................3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting a juice. Standing up...............................................9 calories Getting some juice....................................11 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rolling Over and Going to Sleep After intercourse............18 calories Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring. During intercourse.........32 calories Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction. During foreplay.............12 calories Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Trying Again If the woman is ready...........5 calories If the man is not....................156 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dreaming Regular dream.................2 calories Wet Dream......................16 calories Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices Wet Trance......................20 calories Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Group Sex Introducing yourself.....................3 calories Overcoming shyness....................8 calories Swapping partners Willingly.................................4 calories Unwillingly.............................62 calories Jealousy......................................16 calories Partner having more fun than you are Mixed doubles............................26 calories Being nice to everyone...............100 calories Anger..........................................10 calories You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D. Finding your clothes....................5 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Masturbation For pleasure only...................................6 calories For exercise, too....................................10 calories For relief from tension...........................12 calories To pass the time.....................................7 calories To avoid overeating...............................16 calories To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories To avoid insanity..................................24 calories To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm. Using Your hand(s): Regular way......................................11 calories Your finger(s)...................................9 calories Tweezers..............................................2 calories An inflatable doll.................................24 calories Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories except watermelon or a sprig of parsley A vibrator: Hand-operated.................................12 calories Windup............................................9 calories Electric............................................5 calories Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories In a pornographic movie theater Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Typical Sex-Related Fears Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories Not climaxing......................................................20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories Partner will neglect to administer last rites should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Personal Fears Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Getting Caught By partner's spouse.........60 calories By your spouse................60 1/2 calories Trying to explain.............165 calories Stuttering.........................28 calories Throwing-up...................40 calories Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Almost Getting Caught Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories Leaping out of bed................................25 calories Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories Jumping out of window........................15 calories add 5 calories if window wasnt open Landing................................................1 calorie Running very fast.................................50 calories --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Now go and find your partner and lose those calories and have FUN!</blockquote>

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