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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064634186" data-attributes="member: 14320">Diary In A Health ClubIf you read this without laughing out loud,there is something wrong with you. This isdedicated to every woman who ever attemptedto get into regular workout routine.Dear Diary..For my fiftieth birthday this year, myhusband (the dear) purchased a week ofpersonal training at the local health clubfor me. Although I am still in great shapesince playing on my high school softball team,decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try.I called the club and made my reservationswith a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, whoidentified himself as a 26 year old aerobicsinstructor and model for athletic clothing andswim wear. My husband seemed pleased with myenthusiasm to get started.The club encouraged me to keep a diary tochart my progress.Monday:Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out ofbed, but found it was well worth it when Iarrived at the health club to find Brucewaiting for me. He is something of a Greek God- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzlingwhite smile. Woo Hoo!!Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.He took my pulse after five minutes on thetreadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was sofast, but I attribute it to standing next to himin his Lycra aerobic outfit.I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which heconducted his aerobics class after my workouttoday. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging asI did my sit-ups, although my gut was alreadyaching from holding it in the whole time he wasaround. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!Tuesday:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finallymade it out the door. Bruce made me lie on myback and push a heavy iron bar into the air-thenhe put weights on it! My legs were a littlewobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.Wednesday:The only way I can brush my teeth is by layingon the toothbrush on the counter and moving mymouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as longas I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked ontop of a GEO in the club parking lot.Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that myscreams bothered other club members. His voiceis a little too perky for early in the morningand when he scolds, he gets this nasally whinethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I goton the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stairmonster. Why the hell would anyone invent amachine to simulate an activity rendered obsoleteby elevators?Bruce told me it would help me get in shape andenjoy life. He said some other shit too.Thursday:Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-liketeeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulledback in a full snarl. I couldn't help being ahalf an hour late, it took me that long to tiemy shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells.When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men'sroom. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.Friday:I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human beinghas ever hated any other human being in the historyof the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic littlecheerleader. If there was a part of my body I couldmove without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't haveany triceps! And if you don't want dents in thefloor, don't hand me the < @*%23$>&*@*#$barbells or anything that weighs more than asandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in thesadist school you attended and graduated magna cumlaude from.)The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a healthand nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have beensomeone softer, like the drama coach or the choirdirector?Saturday:Bruce left a message on my answering machine in hisgrating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not showup today. Just hearing him made me want to smashthe machine with my planner. However, I lacked thestrength to even use the TV remote and ended upcatching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& WeatherChannel.Sunday:I'm having the Church van pick me up for servicestoday so I can go and thank GOD that this week isover. I will also pray that next year my husband(the A**HOLE) will choose a gift for me that is fun--like a root canal or a hysterectomy.</blockquote>

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