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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3390147" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><em><span style="color: Teal">Before The Pregnancy</span></em></strong></p><p>Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?</p><p>*Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.</p><p>Are birth control pills deductible?</p><p>*Only if they don't work.</p><p>What is a chastity belt?</p><p>*A labor-saving device.</p><p>Should I have a baby after 35?</p><p>*No, 35 children are enough.</p><p>Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?</p><p>*Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.</p><p>My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?</p><p>*Your therapist.</p><p><strong><em><span style="color: Teal"></span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color: Teal">During The Pregnancy</span></em></strong></p><p>How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?</p><p>*If it's the flu, you'll get better.</p><p>I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?</p><p>*Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.</p><p>What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?</p><p>*Childbirth.</p><p>I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?</p><p>*With any luck, right after he finishes college.</p><p>Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?</p><p>*Yes, your bladder.</p><p>Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?</p><p>*Depends on what you're doing with them.</p><p>What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?</p><p>*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.</p><p>My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?</p><p>*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.</p><p>When is the best time to get an epidural?</p><p>*Right after you find out your pregnant.</p><p>What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?</p><p>*It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.</p><p>What are forceps?</p><p>*Giant baby tweezers.</p><p>Does labor cause hemorrhoids?</p><p>*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.</p><p><strong><em><span style="color: Teal"></span></em></strong></p><p><strong><em><span style="color: Teal">After The Pregnancy</span></em></strong></p><p>Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?</p><p>*No, but your husband might get on your nerves.</p><p>Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?</p><p>*When it's a girl, for starters.</p><p>Where is the best place to store breast milk?</p><p>*In your breasts.</p><p>Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?</p><p>*Yes, baby lips.</p><p>What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?</p><p>*It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.</p><p>How does one sanitize nipples?</p><p>*Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.</p><p>What are the terrible twos?</p><p>*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.</p><p>What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?</p><p>*When you see teeth marks.</p><p>What is the grasp reflex?</p><p>*The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.</p><p>What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?</p><p>*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.</p><p>Do I have to have a baby shower?</p><p>*Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.</p><p>What causes baby blues?</p><p>*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.</p><p>What is colic?</p><p>*A reminder for new parents to use birth control.</p><p>What are night terrors?</p><p>*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.</p><p>Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?</p><p>*When the kids are in college.</p><p>Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?</p><p>*Yes, pregnancy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 3390147, member: 14320"] [B][I][COLOR="Teal"]Before The Pregnancy[/COLOR][/I][/B] Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? *Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Are birth control pills deductible? *Only if they don't work. What is a chastity belt? *A labor-saving device. Should I have a baby after 35? *No, 35 children are enough. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? *Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? *Your therapist. [B][I][COLOR="Teal"] During The Pregnancy[/COLOR][/I][/B] How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? *If it's the flu, you'll get better. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? *Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? *Childbirth. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? *With any luck, right after he finishes college. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? *Yes, your bladder. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? *Depends on what you're doing with them. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? *Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? *Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. When is the best time to get an epidural? *Right after you find out your pregnant. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? *It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you. What are forceps? *Giant baby tweezers. Does labor cause hemorrhoids? *Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. [B][I][COLOR="Teal"] After The Pregnancy[/COLOR][/I][/B] Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? *No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? *When it's a girl, for starters. Where is the best place to store breast milk? *In your breasts. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? *Yes, baby lips. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? *It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. How does one sanitize nipples? *Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. What are the terrible twos? *Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? *When you see teeth marks. What is the grasp reflex? *The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? *They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare. Do I have to have a baby shower? *Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly. What causes baby blues? *Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. What is colic? *A reminder for new parents to use birth control. What are night terrors? *Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? *When the kids are in college. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? *Yes, pregnancy. [/QUOTE]
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